PCOS

Over the last two months I have spent more time than I’m willing to admit researching supplements for PCOS. I don’t know where the hell I’ve been, but somehow I missed the fact that women have been taking supplements to actually ease – and sometimes resolve – their PCOS symptoms. At this point I have nothing to lose, so I dove right in.

*Please note: I am not a Doctor, or a Nutritionist. My research is my own, and I do not recommend anyone take anything listed here without talking to a medical professional about it first. This is simply my personal experience. 

I started this PCOS Regimen early October, and am now into my second cycle of it:

 

  1. Inositol (Powdered, 2g 2x daily – dissolved in veggie juice)
  2. Folic Acid (1000 mcg, 1x daily)
  3. Omega 3 (700 mg, 3x daily)
  4. Vitamin D (3000 iu, 1x daily – dissolved in grape juice)
  5. Multivitamin (Natures Bounty, gummy, 1x daily)

In that time I’ve learned 3 things:

  1. The trickiest part, by far, is ensuring I take everything every day. There is a lot to take, and you cannot just take it all at one sitting. It needs to be spread out through the day. I am thankfully not on any other meds, except Synthroid for my Thyroid that I take the second I wake up, so I don’t need to worry about contraindications.
  2. Take liquid or powdered every chance you can… it is SO MUCH EASIER to dissolve in some juice or water and drink it…plus some doses are too high for pills. I would literally need 15 pills of Inositol per day to get the recommended 4g.
  3. The dose on the bottle is almost never what you actually need. The dosing on the bottle is there for safety, and for normal people who consume enough of the supplement or vitamin in their diet, and really just need an extra boost. Not for people with a condition causing them to be deficient in certain things…those people need significantly higher doses. **I also want to add that before you increase doses of anything…please run it by a professional – doctor, pharmacist, nutritionist, naturopath – because some high doses of vitamins and supplements can actually be fatal.

So having said all that…I managed to take it almost consistently every day. These are my results:

  1. My face has been oily for like 3 years. Despite washing it every day with a good facial scrub. Despite using oil removing cloths through the day to remove oil. Despite using sensitive makeup made for oily skin (and super $$$)….I’d wash my face at 5:30 AM in my shower, and it would be oily by 10 AM. BUT THEN…sometime around mid-October I noticed I could go an entire work day before my face got oily again. And that plus has continued since…and I am LOVING it.
  2. I’m less crazy. No, for real…that’s legitimate. I mean, I still have bad moments and good moments – but the swing that I didn’t even notice I had between extremes is now gone. When I’m upset, it takes time to develop and time to leave. I never swing from happy to sad anymore (or vice versa). I’m just significantly more emotionally stable. This is a totally unexpected plus, and I will take it…even if it’s not related to the supplements.
  3. My period is typically anywhere from 18 day cycle to 45 day cycle. It usually shows up suddenly in full flow, with minimal symptoms, stays for a couple days of heavy, clotty bleeding, and then disappears as quickly as it came. I can count the number of times I’ve had cramps or sore breasts on one hand. My doctor has always said a lack of symptoms is likely indicative of improper hormones. BUT THEN…this cycle, I had a solid 8 days of “pms-y” type symptoms, followed by a completely mild (normal) period with zero clots that began on CD 32. It ramped up and then ramped back down in 5 days, exactly like a period should. This is BY FAR the most exciting plus so far. I am thrilled to have a period with in the range of completely normal.

While I absolutely realize this could all be coincidence, and have nothing at all to do with the supplements…I am OK with that…I’m just thrilled to have had a normal period, less oily skin and stable moods… and I hope if I continue to take these supplements, that I will continue to experience these pluses.

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Final Reconciliation Update

If you’re not sure what’s going on…see here and here for the back story.

I didn’t realize it’s been 23 days since I last posted (with the exception of one #microblog post). I’m sorry for the radio silence… to be honest, I’m still in the thick of everything and while I sat down and wrote at least 10 posts in that time, I couldn’t make myself post them.

The reality is … I’m struggling with my decision to share on here. I am not really sorry I did it, but at the same time – I am wishing I hadn’t. I am realizing that I wanted this to be therapeutic for me, but it’s actually not been therapeutic at all (for multiple reasons). I am actually now insecure in this space, and that is the very last thing I want because I love this space, and the community I am a part of.  I really, really miss writing here.

So… I think this will be my last post on this topic.

Please know we are working very hard at our marriage, have made some huge strides and are actually at a fairly good place right now. We will continue to work towards a common goal, with the aid of our wonderful therapist. Our family building plans are changing rapidly…our therapist has advised us we should give it a year before we adopt – so that child can have the very best home to come in to. The infertile-in-me is disappointed, but logically, I completely understand his point. In the mean time, we may try the old fashioned way (in a few months) or we may not…I’m not sure yet. Time will tell, and the thing we most need right now is time.

Thank you all for your kind, thoughtful, caring words on my posts. I wish I had a way of showing you how much it meant to me – to receive acceptance and love in such a shitty time has been everything, and I thank you a thousand times over for it. This is another reason to love this wonderful community!

Much Love – Raven

P.S: Happy Thanksgiving American Friends!

#Microblogmondays – This.Is.Us

As per usual, I am one season behind the train on good shows. You guys, I JUST discovered This.Is.Us. Do you watch it? It is changing my world.

Let me rewind …this happened, followed by this. I know – even I can’t quite believe I shared something so difficult and intimate with all of you…but really, isn’t that what blogging is about? Oversharing in the hopes of helping/connecting with someone else? And I needed to write about it because…whether I like it or not this IS my life now, and this blog is about sharing my life: the good, the bad and the downright ugly (and this is ugly!). In the wake of this I was desperately looking for something to act as a distraction while I pieced together what remained of my marriage…and somehow I stumbled upon this show I have heard so much about.

I am in love with it. I love the characters, the I love the writing, I love the way each episodes unfolds to show a deeper, more complex layer of each character. I love how real, and normal, and entirely human they are. I love how easy it is to relate to it, and I love how emotional the show is. I pretty much love everything about it, even the cheesiness. It could not have come at a better time in my life.

Do you watch it? What do you think? What good shows are you watching right now?

Find more about MicroblogMondays here.

 

 

Reconciliation #1

I am sharing these posts with the permission of my husband, as a way to cope with what is happening in my life and in the hopes that maybe, somehow, they will help someone else. 

Reconciliation: that is what it’s called when you have a rift in your marriage (usually, but not always, caused by infidelity), and decide to work it out.

That is what our whole life is about now. Everything we do, we do with the intention to repair and rebuild our marriage. It has not been easy. It’s been miserable to learn the little things we have been doing have actually been hurting the other, and we did not even know it. It has been horrible to feel the hurt and the anger, and yet still love them and want to be with them.

The biggest thing is the way we handle stress. When I am under stress, I retreat into myself and hide behind a good book or TV show that I’m binge watching. Eventually, when I start to feel better, I go back to life as normal without ever needing to discuss it in depth with Mr. Big. My subconscious does all of the sorting out for me, and I move on.

When he is under stress, he needs to talk it out, rehash, look at ways to resolve or handle differently. He needs to go out and visit with friends, have some fun, etc. He needs to be around people and talking about it in order to feel better: and then he can move on.

See where there might be a problem here? Especially given that our whole life is stress as we struggle to build our family.

While I was busy burying myself and my problems in a good book, he was feeling isolated and alone in his sadness and frustration. Months of this = big rift between us and even bigger problems.

I want to add that we genuinely didn’t know we had a problem….we have always had a good marriage. We are best friends, who laugh and play together often. We are very affectionate, and very much in love. None of this changed in the time leading up to, and during, the infidelity…which is why it came as such a horrible shock to me. We have always been good at those things, but not so good at talking about our feelings together…which really is the basis of a solid marriage.

And that’s the very core of our problem: my need to not talk about feelings vs. his need to talk about them.

So…what am I feeling? I’m feeling angry. I’ve moved past the sadness, shock and hurt now – and right into anger. I am furious with him for hurting me, for betraying my trust and our vows. I am furious that he reached outside our marriage for comfort, when I was right there in front of him. I am furious that he did not respect me, and our marriage, enough to talk to me about how he was feeling. I am furious that I cannot trust him any more.

Yet…I still love him. I cannot un-love him for this: 8 years of happiness and love cannot be undone by 1 month of stupidity and selfishness. I am angry and I will need a lot of time (and a lot of effort) to recover – but I will recover, our marriage will recover, and we will move forward.

The Post I Never Expected to Write

It took me days of thinking about this constantly to be brave enough to write this post.

I wasn’t going to – under the pretense that this information is very private – but then I remembered my entire blog is about private things and so many of you have shared the very deep, very private things of your life with me over the years. And, honestly, I think it will help to see me through this very, very dark time. Darker than anything I have experienced before. I cannot tell anyone in my real life, and I am desperate for the comfort of friends.

My life has been made up of experiences I did not expect to have: infertility, being the biggest one. But as of last week, there is something bigger. Something I never thought I would ever experience. Something I never ever thought would happen to me.

I am still so raw, and still so hurt, and still so shocked and unsure. I have never been so hurt and betrayed in my life, and I have no idea where to go from here.

You see, last week, I learned that I am not the only woman in Mr. Big’s life. For a brief time (the last three weeks), he has been having a relationship online/through text with another woman.

To say I am devastated would be an understatement. In our entire 8 years of being together, Mr. Big has always been wonderful, thoughtful, considerate, gentle, kind and loving. As a matter of fact, these are the reasons I fell in love with him – he was so very safe to me. I had never known a man more gentle, more kind, more considerate than him. Everyone who knows him loves him (they call him a big teddy bear) and they remind me all the time how lucky I am, and I know it.

Which makes this all so much more difficult to bear. He is too gentle, too kind, too loving for this…how, HOW, could he do this to me?

Mr. Big wants, more than anything, to take back what happened. He desperately wants to work this out. He wants to move forward. There have been so many tears shed on both our parts over the last week while we try to piece together what remains.

I am not sure how I feel – except heart broken. I know I still love him very, very much and I cannot imagine my life without him. I know these actions on his part came from a place of hurt, loneliness and sadness – not malice. I know that 8 wonderful years cannot be erased by 3 weeks of horrible, horrible choices – but I also know that there is so much damage done from those 3 little weeks…. I am still so heart broken, shocked and so angry about it. I don’t know how I can ever trust him again. I don’t know how we can ever move on from this. I don’t know how he could throw away everything (EVERYTHING) for a fling.

The only solace I have in this is that they never actually met. Everything that happened, was done online. I am not sure if that comforts me or not. I am just so heart broken for it. (Also…please don’t suggest that this is not cheating. It is, to me … it is.)

What this means for our family building is so far from my mind right now, I cannot even think of it.

Please, friends, send hugs and advice. I need them so badly right now.

#WordyWednesday & a hilarious story where I almost get arrested…

Emma in the Night – By Wendy Walker

I’ve recently started enjoying mystery books – especially missing children mysteries (I know, I’m sick, but they are SO GOOD) and I especially love when they end with a reunification.

This book I picked up  from cos.tc.o on a whim and I am so glad I did! It was such a good read, I was eagerly devouring every single page anxious to find out the truth…. but I do have to admit, in the end it left me craving a resolution a little more substantial.


Now, the story where I almost get arrested:

My sister has started a new shift at work, so I am picking up her boys from school until she gets daycare lined up. They are 9 and 4. I’ve picked the 9 year old up a million times, but the 4 year old just started Kindergarten so this is my first time picking him up and it’s a new school who doesn’t know me.

I arrive at the Kindergarten doors and wait while a bunch of kids filter out to their Moms. One teacher is trying to hold them all back to ensure she knows where everyone is going. A little girl is staring at me, and finally asks: Who’s Mom are you? I explain I am M’s Aunt, and she tells me she will go get him.

She brings out a tiny little boy, pushes him into my legs and walks away. I look down to see these little eyes, wide with terror, looking back up at me. This is NOT my M. His name may be M, but he’s not MY M. Just then, the teacher notices and comes rushing over to pull the little boy to her side. “You’re not his Mom.” She says, eyeing me skeptically.

“I know, that little girl just pushed him to me.” I say, but of course the little is gone home now and nowhere to be seen. I explained who I’m looking for, and she directs me to another set of doors all the while glaring through my skin in uncertainty.

I hurry over to the other doors and spot my M, there, pushed up against the wall like he’s supposed to be. His teacher is running through the adults in the line, asking who they are and who they’re looking for. Then she asks the child if that person is who they say they are, and if all is well they send the child off. I anticipate this lessens as the year goes on and the teachers get to know the parents, but as school has just been in session for a month they are still asking a lot of the people who they don’t yet recognize. When she comes to me, I tell her I am M’s aunt and point him out.

She calls him forward and says : “Is this your aunt?”

He looks at me and then looks her right in the eye and says “Nope, I don’t have an Aunt.”

I am lucky I wasn’t arrested.

Thankfully my sister had pre-warned them that his curly haired Aunt with glasses would pick him up, and after asking a second time he finally admitted he knew me and she allowed us to go on our merry way.

And all I could think about on the way home was how, in a matter of 10 minutes, that school thinks I tried to steal two children who didn’t belong to me. And if they had known I was infertile and didn’t have any of my own but wanted them – then I absolutely would be in jail right now (even though – for the record – I didn’t actually try to steal ANYONE and the boy I left with was the one I came for at his Mother’s request!).

#Microblog Monday – Adoption Preparation

I feel like every has moved at a snail’s pace since we began this process – literally nothing happens quickly (except, perhaps, the actual placement one day).

For now, we’re waiting…waiting for dates on our parental training (mandatory for the type of adoption we’re doing) and home study. Until we get those dates, we can’t do much of anything except prepare our home and finances…so here are a few things we’re working on:

  1. Clearing out the three out buildings on our property. One is to be torn down, one moved to a better location and the third boarded up. (Also…sent Mr. Big to the dump with a load, he comes back horrified that I had almost thrown out his old CD’s from 1995 that he hasn’t touched in 500 years. Note to self: Don’t let Mr. Big go to the dump alone.)
  2. Dog training refresher to get our fur-babies manners up to date.
  3. Building an enclosed dog run outside – they normally have full run of the property, but then they enthusiastically greet anyone who shows up and not everyone likes that… I do not want them to smother the social worker…
  4. Sorting and organizing our paperwork. I am horrible at putting it all in a box and sealing it…which doesn’t make it easy to find the things we need!
  5. Preparing the spare bedroom for (hopefully) a new resident one day. We’re not buying any furniture except a dresser – because we don’t know if we will need a crib or a toddler bed or a bed…but I figured we can give it a new paint job, buy a nice rug and hang some artwork so it looks ready – or almost ready – for a new occupant.
  6. Purging my cupboards…I have accumulated a lot of stuff I don’t use and given how small our house is, it’s time to rehome it.
  7. Trying to convince Mr. Big to build me a full wall storage unit so we can move the things we’ve been storing in the spare room into the unit.

If anyone has any advice for the adoption process, and preparations, I would love to hear them!

For more information on #microblogmondays – check out Mel’s blog here.