Do you meditate?

I am relatively new to meditation. It is a practice I’ve been working on for 7 weeks now…and I don’t always do it consistently but I do it more often than not.

I use this great app on my phone called Insight Timer – there are a ton of apps out there, but this one has the most options for free. It has a huge library of both guided and unguided meditations, and varies in length from 1 minute to 30. It’s truly endless in its options, and it tracks my progress – which I love. It helps me to see if I’m on track or not.

I start each day with a meditation…and while I don’t fully understand how – it definitely makes a difference. On those days, I am more level headed and calm. I start the day off fresh and in control…which often leads to a good day all around.

My Therapist wants me to begin introducing a mid-day meditation. That seems daunting to me because I will be at work – but I’m willing to give it a try. I can definitely see how it could refresh my state of mind and set me up for an awesome afternoon.

Do you meditate? How long do you meditate for and do you use an app?


Shits Getting Real

So I got a part time job. Not just any…but a part time job for a local musician managing his social media ….essentially my idea of the most fun job ever.

The reason I got the part time job is because…..drum roll please…..I start my Masters in Psych. on May 7th right after we get back from Vegas.

Masters degree. Part time job. Full time job. Shit just got real.

I am absolutely beyond thrilled about my Masters and I can’t wait to start – but it just occurred to me that my lazy evenings catching up on shows and doing light housework are LONG gone. Now it will be homework, part time job, homework, sleep. Oi.

I’m wondering if I’ve overstretched myself with the part time job…But it’s so cool and fun and I enjoy it!

Any Masters holders out there? Will it be too much? I got my first preliminary reading yesterday and it’s 248 pages long…thankfully I have a month to read it in.

#microblogmondays – Break

Hey! I have been pretty quiet lately…I took a much needed break but I am back, refreshed, and ready to get to it!

Everything is good here. Status quo right now, although I did ovulate all my self (woot woot). But for the first time in FOREVER we actually did not act on my ovulation because we’re going to Vegas in 5 weeks. I know…crazy right? I can’t remember the last time a positive ovulation test didn’t send us running for the bedroom…but it just didn’t. And it was kind of nice, to be honest. I mean I don’t want this long term because we WANT a baby – but it was nice to take a little break, too.


Anyway – back to Vegas…this is our first time going and we’re SO excited! Have you been? Tell me everything I need to see / do / eat while we’re there!

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#microblogmondays – Bored

The worst part, by far, about waiting to get pregnant is the boredom. I’m bored. At home I’m bored….I almost dread the weekends. And it’s not like I don’t have stuff to do – my house is spotless, I play violin, read, walk, meditate, play games, socialize with friends, go fishing with Mr. Big, go snowmobiling with Mr. Big, etc.  We have plenty of hobbies.

But I’m bored for what I don’t have – early morning snuggles with a little in feety pajamas. Arguments over the way I cut their toast. Noise, constant noise. Lessons learned the hard way. Cartoons that make me want to gauge my eyes out. I want those things, so badly. I hate that my house is clean and neat and silent. I hate that there are no rubber duckies in my tub, or jam stuck to my light beige furniture.

Being at home – which has always been a place of refuge for me – is quickly becoming the place where my heart aches for what it doesn’t have.

Ugh. #Infertilitysucks

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Viva Las Vegas

I know this is kind of crazy…but I have never been on a REAL vacation with Mr. Big. I’ve been across the country, things like that, but always with others.

Well…Mr. Big and I have been working our asses off. One of our bucket list places to visit before we have kids is Vegas.

So I just booked us 7 days there. And I couldn’t be more excited!!!

Anyone who’s been, I would love to hear your travellers secrets! Places to eat! Things we can’t miss!

When is it a Crisis?

My heart is heavy these days. I’m wondering just when is this going to be considered a crisis? Or an epidemic? Or an emergency?

I imagine you’ve heard about this.

Another school shooting…another example of a lethal weapon in the wrong hands.

I’m not calling for gun control, because I know that’s a relative term and sparks an awful lot of debate…but obviously this problem is getting worse not better – and something has got to give….and it can’t keep being children and heroic teachers giving their lives. It’s time for change and for something to be done, immediately, before more people die.

I’m Canadian, and this doesn’t happen here. Sure, there are problems – there are school attacks. There have even been school shootings…but it’s NOTHING compared to the problem in the States and the main difference is the gun laws….so I think that’s the obvious starting point for change.

Regardless of your opinions on gun control or the NRA…I think we can all agree that too many kids and teachers are paying the price for poor management of a lethal weapon. I know anything can be lethal…knives, bats, etc…but the capacity for a bat or knife to kill 18 kids in seconds is completely different than a machine gun.

It’s time for change, for the love of all that is Holy. It’s time to call it a crisis, or epidemic, or emergency, or whatever it needs to be called to get immediate, and profound, change. How many more kids are going to die until they realize this?

Have you been following? What are your thoughts on this?

Being Kind to Yourself

Sidenote: I am blogging like a rockstar this week…4/4!

Throughout our marital counselling, there have been a couple more common themes that I, in particular, struggle with.

#1) Loving myself enough

#2) Being Kind to myself

Like many, many people… I am my worst critic. There is probably nothing you could say to me, that I haven’t said to myself. When I make mistakes, I am doubly hard on myself and I am constantly seeking perfection.

These two factors make personal growth tricky. You have be kind to yourself, to love yourself…and you have to love yourself to be kind to yourself…and you have to do both to grow.

So I’m working on them, hard. I’ve been given a couple tips by counselor P that I’d like to share…because I think we ALL probably could use them.

#1) Never, ever, judge yourself for feeling something. Emotions are real, but not always reality, but the fact that you are feeling them is always right (even if your perception of the situation is not).

#2) Don’t say anything to yourself that wouldn’t say to a hurting 3 year old.

#3) Never apologize for your feelings. You can’t control feelings – and they are never wrong. If you’re feeling scared, you’re feeling scared. You may not actually be in danger – so your perception of the situation may be wrong – but that doesn’t change the fact that you are feeling scared. Don’t ever say you’re sorry for them.

#4) The only person you are guaranteed is yourself. Love that person like you love you spouse, your child, God (if you’re religious), your family. Take care of that person – because they are all you truly have.

#5) Self soothe. Whatever it is that makes you feel good – for me, it’s blogging, reading, playing my violin, meditating and walking my dogs. I try to do them all every day so I know I get ample self care in my day. Honestly, they each take very little time and in the end – I feel so much better.

#6) Exercise, eat right and sleep enough. These are the most important, because a bad diet, bad sleep or too much pent up energy have the potential to derail every attempt you make to be well.

So there they are…the key tips to help love yourself more, and be kinder to yourself courtesy of Counselor P. They’re not easy, it is an adjustment and a lifestyle change, but so far it has really been helpful.

Try it!

Love…a Marriage Update

For the back story….please see here, here, here, here and here.

In short = Mr. Big, infidelity, marriage counselling, reconciliation.

Some people might be horrified that I’m sharing such personal details…but isn’t that what do in the infertility community? Overshare? Why is it OK for you to know the details of my CM and when we BD…but not that our marriage is struggling? So I decided to share in the hopes that it would help me cope, and maybe help some of you out there in similar experiences.

Because…infertility does more than affect your ability to have children.

Anyway…since it IS Valentine’s Day I thought it was appropriate to share an update.

Things are really good! We are communicating better than ever before. We are on the same page for possibly the first time ever. We are happy, really, truly, happy with each other. We’re dating again (so fun!). We’re making memories. We’re planning for our future. We’re in good spirits. We’re OK with what has happened. We’re ready to move on to the rest of our lives. We’re doing more together than we have ever before. We’re emotionally present for each other and with each other. We’re connecting physically better than before. We’re accountable to each other for our goals.

We still have some bad days, but they are few and far between now…and the way we handle bad days is SO different now. We talk, we support, we listen and we plan together…that has made ALL THE DIFFERENCE and, in the end, is what will safe guard us against something like this ever happening again. Our needs are being met now, by each other and God. We continue to trudge through the hard stuff with our counselor, fiercely determined to overcome our obstacles both individually and as a couple and we are reaping the rewards. Our love is stronger now than ever before and we both have really risen to the challenge to repair what’s broken. Overall, we’re both very positive that not only are we on the right path, but that this love we have is forever.

So there it is. A positive spin on a really shitty situation. It’s been the hardest, most emotionally exhausting 4.5 months of my life. It’s also been the one filled with the most growth, the most positivity and the most development. It’s shown us who we really are, and who we really want to be…and we’re well on our way to the latter.

I don’t wish my experience on any one, it was immensely painful and I don’t want to make it seem like it was all roses and sunshine – it wasn’t. It was painful, messy, angry, confusing, and it almost ended our marriage….but I am so glad it didn’t and now that we are well on the mend I can’t help but be a little bit grateful for the experience. Every day we become better people than we were before, and I know that will only serve us well in the future.

Do you celebrate today? How are you celebrating?

Book Review – The Supernatural Power of Forgiveness

The Supernatural Power of Forgiveness – by Kris and Jason Vallotton

You guys! You know how, sometimes, you read a book and every single word resonates with you so deeply and you’re forever changed because of it?? This book was that for me.

It felt like it was written for me – so many of the discussions and topics applied to my life right now. I could not put it down, but at the same time there was so much information that I totally felt overloaded. I know I will read it again and again because there is so much information, you need at least a couple reads to get it all. It’s a short read (under 200 pages) but it takes a while because there is so much information.

Surprisingly…Forgiveness is not the only focus of this book. It talks about everything else too – loving yourself, building healthy relationships, learning your value, standing up for yourself, forgiving yourself, it talks about abuse/trauma, mental health struggles, infertility…all things I can relate to. It also talks about porn addiction, substance abuse/addiction and divorce – things I can’t relate to, but that might be relatable to some of you.

It was just such a good book. It is Christian, and there are verses in it – but it’s not over powering and it is clearly written and easy to understand. My pastor gave it to me when I came to him with questions about forgiveness…and I am so, so thankful I read it because it answered questions that I didn’t even know I had.

So…IF you are Christian, or agnostic, or open to Christian material – I totally, 100% recommend this book. It is life changing, and it is really well written and easy to read. I know I will be coming back to it over and over again as a reference because it – literally – covers every topic (and in under 200 pages!). Definitely recommend!

#MicroblogMondays – Do you love yourself enough?

Forgive  me for the self-improvement blather, but i’m going through a phase right now. I just finished an excellent book on the Power of Forgiveness…and what it REALLY showed me was how little I actually love myself. This is in perfect time since Valentine’s Day is right around the corner…that day love!

Do you love yourself enough?

I don’t mean do you like yourself. I mean love, like the deep down natural love you feel for your children or nieces/nephews or spouse. The natural kind that comes without being cultivated, the unconditional kind.

I definitely don’t. I am the first to judge myself, critique to harshly or punish myself. Part of this is due to the helplessness of infertility (can I get an amen?) and part of this is just in my nature.

So I’m going to work on that…because, logically, how can anyone love me if I don’t even love me? As women, we so often sacrifice ourselves to care for others…it’s a huge flaw of our gender. But who are we really helping by not loving ourselves? No one. No one wins when we aren’t loving ourselves.

How about you? Do you love yourself enough?

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