#Microblog Mondays – What I love about Sunday

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Ah, Sunday. One of my favourite days of the week (and, also, a delicious dessert!). What’s not to love about Sunday?

All week long we do stuff. Work, activities, socializing, dog duties, housework, etc, etc. It’s a lot of go-go-go, so Sunday is the day we keep for cup refilleth. For reading, for catching up on TV shows, for taking long, leisurely walks outside with the pups, for snuggling and – most importantly – for cooking delicious, wholesome food. I love my Sundays!

This Sunday Mr. Big was away at a boys weekend (ice fishing trip) – so I had Sunday all to myself. Well…mostly to myself. I had plans of catching up on every 90s girl flick I could find, reorganizing our spare room, and doing meal prep for the week. However, this Sunday was so beautiful out that I just had to go for a long snow shoe with the pups – and by the time we got back, well all we did was:



Chin on my book because why do I need to read when I can just stare at this cute face allll daaayyy lllllooonnngggg??


Long walks are exhausting. Not even bacon could rouse her (just kidding, bacon could rouse her from her the dead). Please also note, we have a VERY strict rule: no dogs in the chair. 

Followed by:

I kicked her out of the chair so now she is being SUPER dramatic. Her sister is so ashamed, she has to look away…. 

#microblogmondays – Love Day!

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I can remember when I found Valentine’s Day hard because I was single (and 21…pppffttt I was sooo young). At that time, I had no idea how many more holidays I had in store for me that would be hard because I was missing something. I was focused on Valentines and how much it sucked to not have someone to love.

But then I found him. A big, soft, loving, kind, generous and gentle man of my very own to love and be loved by for ever and ever. Then I married him and I mostly fall more in love with him every day (except when he leaves his underwear on the floor for the babillionth time). Just like that, Valentine’s Day was good again! I had my Valentine, and so February 14th could come and go without causing me any pain. Valentine’s Day was redeemed!


I try to remember this when I am aching over Christmas, or Mother’s/Father’s Day, or Family Day. I hope, and pray, that they too will be redeemed, just like Valentine’s, and that eventually I will find my home filled with giggles and little feet to share in the magic of holidays with!

Happy Valentines day to you! What could be more beautiful than a holiday all about love? Do you like this day? How do you/do you celebrate?


It’s a Fertile World – and Other Mishmash

Let’s start with the obvious. I have not been around lately. I know, I know…but it’s for good reasons. Life has been full lately and I have not had the energy or the heart to write. But I’m back now, and I have a lot to say – are you ready?? (Edit: Have you peed? Do you have a drink and some snacks?). Here we go:

#1) We went on vacation, ya’ll!! We initially had a trip to the Bahamas planned – but received a warning from our cruise line about confirmed Zika in the area, and in the warning it stated that the risk is not just for pregnant women – but any couple TTC. It could take up to 6 months for the risk to clear if Mr. Big caught it (?!?!?!!). That was just too much risk for us, so we took the offer from our cruise line to cancel without penalty and instead had a stay-cation. We spent the first three days at a local ski resort, skiing and relaxing in the hot tub. The last two days we spent ice fishing – a passion of Mr. Big’s. I have to admit, it is really growing on me! This was our catch from just 1 hour on our last day…so many fish!


#2) There is something in the water over here… I work in a department of just 16 people. Of those 16, 3 are pregnant and 1 is on mat leave right now. On top of that, Mr. Big’s cousin who got married 3.5 months ago has announced she is three months pregnant (meaning she got pregnant on or shortly after her honeymoon…everyone’s dream, right?) and my cousin who is all shades of a hot mess just announced she is also pregnant (and unmarried, and unemployed, and without a high school diploma, and still living in her parents basement, and unable to take care of her own basic needs….and, and, and). Then there is the woman who I work with who is halfway through her second pregnancy – and, like the first pregnancy, she takes every chance she can get to lament how inconvenient pregnancy and child rearing is and how she is only doing this for her husband… Now, I know this sounds bitter (and it is), but please don’t think for a second I don’t wish all of these women the very best in their pregnancies and motherhood journeys. It’s not that I ill wish them at all. It’s just that it’s now 5 years trying without any kind of success, and it all seems to hurt a lot more than it ever did before….so hearing of others success (especially when it is seemingly without effort) is so hard to hear. I’m 30 now. I wanted to be done having kids by 30 – and I figured starting at 24 should have made that goal attainable. Then when I hit 26 and 27, I decided even one kid by 30 was good. Then at 28 I decided a pregnancy at 30 was enough. Now here I am at 30 with an empty womb, empty arms, and an aching heart.

#3) There are SO many changes in my life. My workplace is undergoing restructuring which may, in the long run, put my Mom out of a job…which is SUPER hard. I worry a lot about that, knowing how hard it is to find work in the area. At the same time, I was offered a promotion that I ultimately turned down … and while I think I made the right choice, I am not 100% sure. Between deciding about my job, and worrying about my Mom’s, it has been so stressful. I don’t think I’ve had a good nights sleep in weeks.

#4) Why didn’t anyone warn me as a kid that the older I get, the older the people I love get? Gone are the days that an odd symptom is brushed off with a “wait and see approach”. Now, my parents and aunts/uncles are all in the “better run some tests” stage…and it’s a scary place to be! The last 6 months alone have yielded 5 biopsies for my parents and aunts/uncles in that age group (50s and up)… We have been so blessed that it’s all been benign, but it is so scary! If I go to the doctor with a weird lady problem, I usually have to do blood work or wait and see – but if my Mom does, it’s off for an ultrasound and a uterine lining biopsy simply because she is in the age group where serious things are more common to crop up. Scary stuff! I just want to put everyone I love in a bubble so we can all be safe together!

#5) This Trump business is getting really scary. I mean, it always was, but it’s getting scarier by the minute. I have a very good friend who is living in San Francisco…where he has lived happily for 5 years. For the first time ever, he and his husband were followed by a gang of teenagers who were both menacing and terrifying. They chanted “Trump wants you gone. Trump wants you gone.” and followed closely, trying to intimidate them. My friends were able to seek refuge in a local restaurant, where the staff came to their defense – but they actually had to call the police to get the gang to clear. They were then escorted home…a night meant to be a fun movie date turned into one of the scariest things of their lives. In San Francisco of all places. I know their chant was something made up by a gang of teenagers, but it just shows that the “right” to hate is becoming more common place…making people more bold. Ugh, I feel sick thinking about it and I hope they never experience anything like that again.

#6) We are in a deep freeze right now. Like, the entire area is under a thick sheet of ice. This is day 4 of the iciness…and I have wiped out 3 times. THREE TIMES! It’s not uncommon to get a lot of ice here because it is so damp and humid – but considering the rest of our winter has been balmy with hardly any snow, it’s kind of rude that all of a sudden it wants to be winter now. Hello – we’re half way through February – go away icy coldness. No one likes you.

Not very barbed wire-y when you’re covered in a smooth coating of ice!

#7) Are you watching Criminal Minds? It is SO good this year! Well, OK, it’s good every year but this year it is SOO good. So is Man with a Plan (Joey Tribioni for the win!) and Kevin Can Wait and Chopped Junior. Do you watch Chopped Junior? Only watch it if you’re ready to feel like you WASTED your childhood playing and building forts…because these kids are making things like Pate a Choux while I was working on how many marshmallows I could fit in my mouth at once. #canyousayunderachiever

Ok, I think that’s it for now. If you’re still with me, thanks for reading! If you’re not still with me, thanks for trying and I don’t blame you! I will end with a super cute picture of the Furries and their cocaine snow habit. (It’s not an addiction, they can quit any time they want to, they swear).


What’s happening in your world right now?? I’d love to hear from you!


Bell, Let’s Talk

In Canada, it is Bell Let’s Talk day. That’s a day when a popular cellphone, phone line, internet and TV provider donates a large portion of their proceeds from texts sent to mental health initiatives.

For the weeks prior, there are commercials and ads connecting Mental Health issues with real people – in an effort to spread awareness and end the stigma. Howie Mandel (and his public battle with OCD) is the poster child for this campaign.

It’s also one that’s near and dear to my heart for a similar reason.

I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Not the kind that people claim to have because they like their socks arranged by colour or they arrange their books in alphabetical order. No, I have the real kind – the one that ruins lives if untreated, holds me back from my dreams, causes isolation and depression. The real, serious, mental disease kind.

I have had symptoms since I was a small child. At the time, they were labeled as quirky. I was always high functioning (excellent grades in school), so it wasn’t considered a problem. As I aged, the symptoms got worse and evolved. Finally, when I was in my third year of University, the stress of life intensified my symptoms so much that I could barely leave my apartment. In desperation, I tried to commit suicide…and I would have succeeded had my roommate not come back to grab a book she forgot. That experience will forever be the worst, and the best, of my life. I caused great pain to my roommate, and myself, and I will forever regret that – but it also saved my life. I spent the next month in a mental health unit in Hospital, where I worked hard to dig myself up from the pit I was in.

I completed an outpatient program for depression, and passed it with flying colours. I was proclaimed cured, and returned to school to finish my degree.

What I didn’t realize was that, those little nigglings of something that I attributed to depression, were actually something more. At first, it was an itch that I couldn’t scratch if the door was partially open, or the curtains were and the only thing that scratched it was closing them. Then it evolved into a need for cleanliness, and a need to pray for each person I loved at night. Then it evolved into an inability to function if I do not clean a “dirty item” and the surfaces it has touched and a need to pray for each person by name, or else they would not be safe overnight. From there, it became something horrifying larger: a need to clean a dirty item, the surface its touched, and the surfaces that have touched the surfaces that have touched the dirty item. An anxiety filled prayer including everyone I love by name, picturing them and surrounding them with white light for exactly the right amount of time or something horrible will happen to them. A fear of illness and vomiting, so severe, that I would chose death over exposure. A need to check the door one, two, three, four, five times to make sure it is locked, even though I have already checked. A need to wash my hands so often that they are raw and bleeding, and still unable to stop washing them. A fear that if I think of something bad for too long or too short, it will happen and then the panic that ensues when I realize it has not met those time requirements. The constant foreboding that something awful will happen because I did not check the door five times, or count to 20 while running water. A fear of contamination so severe that it is impossible to visit someone else, or even leave my house.

Not surprising, in that time, my life became a bubble of fear in hiding, constantly trying to dodge the next thing. I couldn’t function, I couldn’t leave the house and I realized that I couldn’t live like that.

Unlike the first time my symptoms became so heavy, I chose to get help. I went to my doctor and explained everything, preceding it with “I know how insane this sounds, but…”.

She listened, she nodded, she typed some things, and then she gave me a hug and a list of websites. She told me to go to them, and read through them, and in the mean time she was sending a prescription to the pharmacy, a referral to a Psychiatrist and she wanted me to call her if I needed anything at all.

When I checked the first website, I thought I typed it in wrong. I didn’t have OCD – that was something that people who shuffle around in bathrobes, with baggies on their hands, have. Not me – I had an education, a good career, a house, a husband, a family… BUT I clicked on over to “Symptoms” anyway, and I could not believe my eyes when I saw what I saw. Every single symptom, every single experience, every single thing that was happening to me that I deemed insanity was there. Every. single. one. It changed my life.

For the first time in years I felt relieved. There was a reason for these symptoms, and if there was a reason – then there was a treatment. The change in my feelings, in my mind, was so profound that it is one of the most memorable moments of my life. I can still feel the relief, the giddiness wash over. I had a chance, like could be OK again, there was hope for me.

Since then it has been a roller coaster. OCD is something that will never go away. I will always have it, and I will always struggle with it. It responds directly to the other stressors in my life so as long as I am calm, I can keep a handle on it – but the second that something stressful and out of my control happens, it’s there barging into my brain and ready to take over.

I am not OCD, but it will always be a part of me. Most of the time, now, I am OK with that. I have made my peace with it, and I am in a good place right now – but other times, I am angry and sad and frustrated. I am constantly working on not being ashamed of this, but it is hard.

The point of this big, long, wordy post (if you’re still with me, thank you!!) – is to say three things to you:

  1. You are not alone. You may feel alone, and it may seem like you are alone. But just look at my symptoms up there and how illogical they were – I was positive no one else was experiencing them – but I did some research and was amazed to see that they were. Not just one or two – but thousands of people were. Reach out, find someome who gets it. Don’t ever suffer silently. Ever.
  2. Get help. I know it hurts to ask for help. I know how shameful it feels, I know how poorly some people understand it. I know. But if you don’t get help, it could kill you – and let me tell you, there are people out there who will be shattered by the loss of you. Not just family and friends, but the first responders who find you, and the neighbor across the hall and your coworkers. If you can’t do it for yourself, then do it for them. Get help.
  3. Be kind – to yourself, and to others. Mental illness is real, debilitating, and life crushing. Don’t make someone feel smaller than they already feel because you do not understand. Trust me, if I could chose something else I absolutely would. It would be easier to be diabetic than have OCD – but those are not the cards I was dealt. Don’t belittle yourself for something you can’t control, and don’t belittle someone else for it. We are all just doing the best we can, with what we have, battling something no one else can understand. Be kind.

Thanks for reading! I hope you didn’t fall asleep and, more importantly, I hope it help you on some level…whether to deal with mental illness in yourself, or in someone else.

P.S: I think this is the longest post I have EVER blogged. #longestpostaward

#MicroblogMonday – One Job, Two Job, Red Job, Blue Job

If you could pick either of these options, which would it be?

Option A) you run an ice cream shop. You like making something wonderful like ice cream that people love – but you also have to do some things you don’t like… balancing budgets, dealing with staff, inventory, etc.  Your coworkers can be really difficult at times, but the good ones are really amazing. You feel appreciated a lot of the time and you know you’re good at your job. Sometimes, it can be really boring and stressful – but for the most part, you are content. You know you have more potential than you’re using, but it’s comfortable and comfortable feels really good. You make a decent amount of money that allows you to live comfortably, but any big expenses (like adoptions or fertility treatments or car repairs) do require saving up. It is hard to take time off work because you are the only person who can do your work, so every day is spent worrying about how much your work is piling up.

Option B) you are an ice cream company executive. You enjoy most of your work, but it is definitely stressful. You like your team, even though they can be a bit catty at times, but when it comes down to it they always have your back. You are challenged each day with your work, which is thrilling and fulfilling, and it helps you grow as a person and a professional. Some days, you can’t wait to get out of there, but overall it is a fairly good fit. You feel good about what you do. You make enough money to be comfortable, and afford the things you need (like an adoption, fertility treatments, etc). Your team is supportive of you when you need to be off, and you are able to actually enjoy your time without worrying too much about work.

Which would you pick?

*I may, or may not, be using ice cream examples to try and decide whether to make a career shift within my organization….any advice or suggestions is appreciated!





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Wordy Wednesday

Today is our first real ice storm this year – and everything (I mean, EVERYTHING) is covered in a layer of beautiful, shiny ice. I will take more pictures today and post them this week if I can.


Thankfully, this fence is not in use (just a piece of history left on our property) but look at that barbed wire…the ice has coated it making it as smooth as silk rather than barbed wire-y. If I had animals I was keeping out with it, I’d be a little more bummed. As it is, I just find it beautiful!

It took me a solid 10 minutes to skate walk to my car this morning and I am only parked in our driveway – it was just THAT slippery that I could only take one teeny tiny step at a time (and did a whole lot of wobbling). We don’t usually salt because it irritates the Dogs paws – but we may actually need to today!

Example: This morning at 2:30 I got up to let Chops out, and she was so excited she bolted out the door, slide off the deck and continued to slide the 25 feet down our cement walkway…she even managed a little twirl at the end. I awarded her a 9, because her form on take off was a little off (otherwise it would have been a 10). Note: She was fine but her pride was slightly bruised and I think this is further supportive of the need to put down some salt!


What I’m Reading:

Someone Else’s Garden by Dipika Rai:

This is a sad, beautiful story of a young girl named Mamta doing her best to find her footing in a world where everything is stacked against her. It is very sobering to read about what it is to be a woman in other countries – and it reminds me of how very lucky I am to be born into a free country, and to live in a family where men and women are equal. Mamta’s quiet strength and determination to survive in the face of adversity is empowering.

What I’ve Read:

The Invention of Wings – Sue Monk Kidd:

As the author of Secret Life of Bees – I was expecting something similar in this story. She did not disappoint me, I devoured this book in a single day. It was a tragedy mixed with courage and strength – a truly wonderful female heroine, and I enjoyed following her story. The grit and determination shown by Handful is incredible considering she has only known sadness and struggle.

The Mountain Story – Lori Lansens:

This is the kind of book that you don’t know how great it was until it’s finished. Truly a must read, and I think it should be included in high school curriculums.

It covers some fairly controversial topics, mixed with coming-of-age-meets-survival story that is filled with suspense, drama and heart rendering truths. Wolf is a multi-layer character, who has only know cruelty and by all rights should be just like his father, but instead he is a kind, caring young man in the throes of grief and trying to find his way. It’s a reminder that even in the darkest, more horrible moments – kindness and love prevail.


What are you reading? Read anything good recently? Doesn’t have to be books, I love articles and blogs too! I am always looking for new suggestions!

Thanks for stopping by!

Microblog Mondays – Baby Birds

I was walking the dogs last week and I stumbled across a fallen nest. Well, actually the dogs did. I carefully picked it up and looked inside to find two perfectly preserved little skeletons, in a nest of downy feathers.

I felt so sad for the little birds, not even given a real chance at life. They had probably just hatched and then the nest fell and they died. I tried not to think about whether they starved to death or the fall did them in…

I like to think that infertility, loss and all of the other ups and downs of life have weathered me so I am stronger when it comes to facts of nature – but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to feeling bad most of the day about it. Poor little baby birds.

I took the nest and placed it up in the tree (as far as I could reach) and am hopeful that when I walk down there this Spring to check on it, I will find a new Mama and (hopefully) some new babies! It served as a gentle reminder that, as final as something may seem, life does go on and hope can bloom.

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