#microblogmondays – An Awakening

I’m a helper…I like to help people. It helps them, and it makes me feel good, so it’s a double win. However, I also have a problem saying no and often agree to things that I quickly regret. People learn that I like to help and will do most things, and then request or expect it of me – coupled with my inability to say no – which leads to a very busy Raven. Frequently (as in, four out of seven days a week) I take care of my nephews after work/on the weekend. On top of that, I have swim lessons that I take them to on Fridays, painting class/book club on Tuesdays, the gym on Mon, Wed and Fri and three dogs to walk, feed, love and provide for.

It makes for a very busy life, but I like to be busy. Nothing makes me more content then getting shit done – even if I’m sick, I keep on trudging. It makes me feel useful, and I need to feel useful.

And then I got pneumonia. In both lungs. With a topping of bronchitis. For eight straight days I couldn’t leave the house. I laid in bed/on the couch trying to remember to track my medications (two steroid inhalers, one steroid pill, one antibiotic and one over the counter cold medicine) because they had to be administered at just the right times, in the right order and binge watching Roseanne, then Friends, then Fuller House all the while trying not to cough to death. Even when I started to feel better, I couldn’t walk to the bathroom without having a coughing fit that would result in vomiting. I was officially house bound….and to be honest, it rocked. Well…the coughing/gagging/vomiting thing didn’t rock but the do my own shit thing was awesome. I also had plenty of time to reflect and think about life. It made me realize one immense thing:

  • I don’t actually enjoy being so busy…but I need to be busy for my own peace of mind. And I need to be busy because it makes me feel useful…and I need to feel useful because I usually feel like a useless, infertile, non-mothering woman. And that is very sad.

Thanks, Universe, for the sign. I need to slow down, I see that now and I will slow down. I will also stop filling the void in my heart with busyness that just exhausts me, and start practicing self care. Most importantly, I will begin to explore all the things that I am good at. I may not be good at making babies, but I am most definitely not useless.

XO.

See more on #Microblog Mondays here.

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8 thoughts on “#microblogmondays – An Awakening

    1. Thank you! Self Care is so important…and I would tell anyone that … but here I am not even doing it myself. Time for a change!

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  1. First and foremost, I hope you’re feeling better. But this whole idea of needing to be busy, THAT spoke volumes to me. I am very similar, and if I’m honest, I don’t enjoy being busy.

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    1. It’s so true and so easy to start in that process before you even realize what is happening. It took me getting that sick to realize – I actually don’t like being busy but am doing it so I can hide from the reality of my infertility. Eye opening! Thanks for your comment!

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  2. I’m really sorry you have been so sick! I understand your urge to help people. I know I found that helping people helped me – it helped me feel not so worthless, when I couldn’t have children. But better, it helped me make sense of my losses. But that might be because I was helping in a specific way that was important to me, and made me feel valued. But simply being too busy filling the hours in a day means that you don’t get to find what will really help you in the long run. So I hope you get to find that. You deserve it. Because we are all so much more than our infertility.

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    1. Thank you for your comment…you’re so right. I didn’t even realize what I was doing until I got sick and had to slow down – and then I realized it. It’s so eye opening and definitely time for change – because this super busy, emotionally unconnected for fear of hurt person that I have become is not, at all, who I am! Thanks for coming by!

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  3. I hope you are feeling better. I have kept busy to make it so I don’t have so much time to think about infertility and waiting for adoption and all the ways that making a family has been horrifically difficult. In the past few months I have wished for an illness — not a serious one, but one enough that I’d have an excuse (a need) to take a couple of days to recuperate, to be in pajamas all day, to just stop time. But that’s terrible. Like you said, the slow time is amazing, the gunk in the lungs, coughing, and vomiting is a heavy price to pay. I hope that you can build more self-care time in without pneumonia, and that you can see how important you are despite all the infertility-non-mothering pieces, even though I know from experience how very hard that it is to do.

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