I’m a helper…I like to help people. It helps them, and it makes me feel good, so it’s a double win. However, I also have a problem saying no and often agree to things that I quickly regret. People learn that I like to help and will do most things, and then request or expect it of me – coupled with my inability to say no – which leads to a very busy Raven. Frequently (as in, four out of seven days a week) I take care of my nephews after work/on the weekend. On top of that, I have swim lessons that I take them to on Fridays, painting class/book club on Tuesdays, the gym on Mon, Wed and Fri and three dogs to walk, feed, love and provide for.
It makes for a very busy life, but I like to be busy. Nothing makes me more content then getting shit done – even if I’m sick, I keep on trudging. It makes me feel useful, and I need to feel useful.
And then I got pneumonia. In both lungs. With a topping of bronchitis. For eight straight days I couldn’t leave the house. I laid in bed/on the couch trying to remember to track my medications (two steroid inhalers, one steroid pill, one antibiotic and one over the counter cold medicine) because they had to be administered at just the right times, in the right order and binge watching Roseanne, then Friends, then Fuller House all the while trying not to cough to death. Even when I started to feel better, I couldn’t walk to the bathroom without having a coughing fit that would result in vomiting. I was officially house bound….and to be honest, it rocked. Well…the coughing/gagging/vomiting thing didn’t rock but the do my own shit thing was awesome. I also had plenty of time to reflect and think about life. It made me realize one immense thing:
- I don’t actually enjoy being so busy…but I need to be busy for my own peace of mind. And I need to be busy because it makes me feel useful…and I need to feel useful because I usually feel like a useless, infertile, non-mothering woman. And that is very sad.
Thanks, Universe, for the sign. I need to slow down, I see that now and I will slow down. I will also stop filling the void in my heart with busyness that just exhausts me, and start practicing self care. Most importantly, I will begin to explore all the things that I am good at. I may not be good at making babies, but I am most definitely not useless.
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