Feeling Insecure

When I was young and filled with dreams, I wanted to be a veterinarian or a professor. I was determined to have a career that I both loved, and that I respected. As I got through high school and realized how inept I was when it came to advanced math and certain science, I voluntarily let go of the idea of being a Veterinarian and focused on the path to being a Professor. I went off to University, took a field I loved with a fiery passion and began the exciting journey into academia.

What I didn’t expect was that, in the midst of that, I would go through a personal crisis that would impede my ability to flourish and succeed the way I normally did. Then, after the most difficult year of my life, I made the decision to relocate and complete my final year online – essentially, a suicide mission of my dream to be a professor. I didn’t go to field school, I didn’t get to participate in research. Instead, I had to take the next few years rebuilding my self and my life. At that point, I met and married my husband and decided that being a Professor was a pipe dream and I should just focus on what I had in front of me… the potential to start a family.

Well, we all know how that turned out. (Spoiler alert: no baby).

That “pipe dream” of being a professor has been rolling around in my mind ever since I abandoned it. Every so often I get up the nerve and start considering it again, and then a little voice in my head whispers “you’re too old to go back now” and I forget about it.

Except.

Except…it hasn’t stilled the desire in my heart to become a professor. As a matter of fact, it’s fueled it and I find myself quickly falling back into that dream and all the things I had imagined (days filled with research, studies and adult pupils…ahh…). I am growing weary of pushing it away, and running out of excuses for why it wouldn’t work.

So this morning I applied. It doesn’t mean I’ll get accepted, it doesn’t mean I will do this – but I know if I don’t try I will always wonder.

And now, of course, my mind is whirling with all the reasons why this is a terrible idea…

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