MicroblogMonday – A Different Perspective

**Hop on over to Stirrup Queens to learn more about Microblog Mondays and see how you can participate too…**

I shared a very basic, general post on FB about being mindful of fake pregnancy announcement for April 1st – because pregnancy is not a joke to a lot of people. It was one of the very first things I’ve ever shared that may out me as an infertile to my friends and family. I’m sure most of them have made assumptions since I’ve been married 5.5 years without a baby – but I have not confirmed it.

Anyway, I thought it was a fairly general post and tasteful – and a couple of my friends shared it. One of them who shared it, and recently had a late term stillbirth (29 weeks) received this comment from her childhood friend:

“As someone who has chosen not to have kids and has been told by every infertile I know that I am ungrateful and beholden to them to use my body in a way they can’t…I am offended that you expect me to care about your feelings just because you’re infertile. I have a bad arm, but you don’t see me pretending to be butt hurt when you post gym pictures of you lifting weights just because I can’t do it. If you ask me it’s time for infertiles to grow up and grow a pair like the rest of us are expected too.”

While I have run across many people who are uncomfortable/refuse to talk about infertility or pregnancy loss – I have never run into someone who has an opinion like the above. I don’t know if what she says is true about what people have said to her, but the way she ended her comment – about “infertiles growing a pair” – makes me so angry.

I am used to seeing infertility/pregnancy loss addressed with shame, embarrassment, awkwardness, even the ever-insulting over simplifying “if you just try harder, if you just relax, if you just adopt you will get pregnant, if you just try this…”…but I have never seen it addressed with something akin to hatred and dislike.

 

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11 thoughts on “MicroblogMonday – A Different Perspective

  1. This is an odd reaction, I would agree. I am mostly confused by the commenter’s assertion that she has been attacked by infertiles. If this is true I guess that’s where the anger comes from, but even still it seems out of proportion. Also, I think this plays into comparing pain. That’s unfortunate about her arm and good for her for not being offended by exercising posts, but I don’t think that means your friend can’t be hurt by something. If that makes sense. (And honestly my first reaction was “wow what a bitchy comment – this is why I left fb.”)

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    1. I totally agree. Obviously this person is hurting (or else why would they say something so – sharp) but that never makes it OK to make someone else feel small. Also, my friend who shared it – Charlotte – had JUST lost her baby. The last thing she needed was a friend of hers telling her to grow up and grow a pair. The whole thing just shocked me. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but that doesn’t mean they need to be harsh. Thanks for your comment…I am totally thinking about leaving FB.

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    1. It actually was my friend (Charlotte) who shared my post, and this was her friend who commented on Charlotte’s post. The worst part is – Charlotte just lost her baby end of March and shared this because she was mourning and was hoping to avoid fake pregnancy announcements, and this “friend” knew that and still chose to comment this. Awful, right?

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  2. Wow, that is definitely a hurt person. Especially given that she knew the person posting had just lost a baby. I feel like, really? Every infertile you know throws it in your face that you’re not using your uterus? That seems hyperbolic at best. I don’t actually know anyone infertile who begrudges the childfree by choice, usually it’s fertile people who think “you’ll change your mind” or some weird “it’s your womanly whatever” thing. The buttsore arm-workout comment was strange too. Something else has to be going on with this person to behave so hideously and hatefully. There’s got to be some horrible sadness behind that anger, because if there’s not she’s just a truly awful person who should not be considered a friend to your friend any longer. Having experienced some facebook-related “I’m so sick of you infertile people” crap myself lately, I can’t help but wonder if the climate now makes it easier for people to just spew hatred without thinking at all about the consequences, and facebook tends to amplify that kind of “my thoughts are better than yours quit being so sensitive” tripe. I’m so sorry. What a horrid situation.

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    1. I so agree with you. FB is a platform where everyone is an expert. The commenter most definitely was hurting from something in her life… the whole thing was just shocking and awful. I will forever be amazed by people who respond to their own pain by trying to make others hurt too … And FB seems to amplify that!

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  3. This person is definitely projecting something – what is going on there?! I’m also dubious about her having been attacked by “every infertile” she knows: really? And to say this to a long-term friend who lost her baby to stillbirth – there must be more going on than meets the eye. Has she “chosen not to have kids” for some reason against her will: mental health, illness of some sort, even secret infertility? Maybe because she can’t lift a baby with her dodgy arm??!! She definitely has a problem, not that I’m sympathizing with her. Her analogy of not being able to life weights is the stupidest thing I’ve heard in a long time. As Jess says, there is a fair bit of impatience and intolerance of infertility out there. I myself experienced how people’s empathy has a definite expiry date, even those closest to you. I can see that if I had continued to speak about it to friends and family they would have snapped and said something awful to me. I know it. It’s one of the things I’m really interested in, why people seem to get so fired up and trollish about it.
    Ah Facebook. Hateful. It’s a minefield. I have most people on Hide and just look at it for the news. I used to get whipped into a frenzy by it but now I have to go searching for the silly announcements and passive aggressive memes, thank God.

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    1. I’ve started doing that too…unfollowing the people who drive me nuts. Life is too short for that. That’s the very reason I have been silent about our infertility with most of the people in our life…I can’t bear to have them grow tired of it (and hurt us with comments) so I’d rather suffer silently. I agree the commenter absolutely is suffering somehow. Anyone who trolls is suffering….ugh, FB….the platform where everyone’s opinions are shared.

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  4. Wow, what a horrible reply. Personally I’ve never made any friends who choose to not have kids feel bad about their choice! And you can’t compare her having a sore arm or whatever to someone going through infertility. I find those april fools pregnancy jokes very tasteless. I don’t know how you can answer someone who feels that way.

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  5. An April Fools joke about pregnancy is not the same as gym pics and her issues with her arm. It would be more like someone jokingly flaunting really beefy arms “just kidding” or something like that…. I don’t know, but her analogy does not work. As others mentioned, this must stem from some personal issues she has, but to tell a grieving mother to “grow a set”? It gets me steamed!!! I hope your friend is able to find better friends, and that this non-friend is able to get some help…

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