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I shared a very basic, general post on FB about being mindful of fake pregnancy announcement for April 1st – because pregnancy is not a joke to a lot of people. It was one of the very first things I’ve ever shared that may out me as an infertile to my friends and family. I’m sure most of them have made assumptions since I’ve been married 5.5 years without a baby – but I have not confirmed it.
Anyway, I thought it was a fairly general post and tasteful – and a couple of my friends shared it. One of them who shared it, and recently had a late term stillbirth (29 weeks) received this comment from her childhood friend:
“As someone who has chosen not to have kids and has been told by every infertile I know that I am ungrateful and beholden to them to use my body in a way they can’t…I am offended that you expect me to care about your feelings just because you’re infertile. I have a bad arm, but you don’t see me pretending to be butt hurt when you post gym pictures of you lifting weights just because I can’t do it. If you ask me it’s time for infertiles to grow up and grow a pair like the rest of us are expected too.”
While I have run across many people who are uncomfortable/refuse to talk about infertility or pregnancy loss – I have never run into someone who has an opinion like the above. I don’t know if what she says is true about what people have said to her, but the way she ended her comment – about “infertiles growing a pair” – makes me so angry.
I am used to seeing infertility/pregnancy loss addressed with shame, embarrassment, awkwardness, even the ever-insulting over simplifying “if you just try harder, if you just relax, if you just adopt you will get pregnant, if you just try this…”…but I have never seen it addressed with something akin to hatred and dislike.