#MicroblogMondays – Things I am not

Ah, another family centered holiday. This Easter, I am trying to focus on the true reason for the season – and the Hope it promises. I am not doing very well at it.

I have had so many great plans for my life, waylaid by my plans to have a family – and now none of those things have come true and I feel completely lost. I am trying to focus on saying good bye to things I am not, and focusing on the things that I am. If any of those things from the “not” side are able to come over to the “am” side, then I’ll be happy as a peach – but right now, they’re not on the am side and I need to make peace with that.

I’m not the perfect homemaker, with a PhD, who has stayed in touch with every friend from every stage, is a published author and a practicing musician and who is confident and secure in a small town, mothering the hell out of her darling offspring.

Instead… I am a dedicated and hard worker, a fiercely passionate violinist, a loving and loyal Wife and Aunt, a friend to many from all walks and stages of life…a woman who is strong and independent and is a slightly over the top superb fur-mama.

It’s not at all who I thought I would be at 30. Not at all who I wanted to be…but here I am, imperfect and lost…just trying to find my way.

Tell me you’ve all felt this way, too?? And that it gets better?

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7 thoughts on “#MicroblogMondays – Things I am not

  1. Jess April 17, 2017 / 1:34 pm

    Yes! You are not alone. It gets better. I love your list of things you are. That is the hardest thing, I think, is to make peace with what you thought should be versus what is. But there’s also what’s still to come, and that may not be what you thought it was going to be but it doesn’t mean you can’t make it amazing. Letting go of those expectations of What Should Have Been is the hardest thing I’ve had to do (still doing, in my current state of crisis-y goo), but I think I will be so much happier when I finally can do it, and say I Am Enough As I Am. These holidays make it harder, when you’re slapped in the face with all that Isn’t. But it does get better. For me, I turned 30 as I was student teaching, getting a divorce, nowhere near having kids, and everything was the exact opposite of what I’d hoped would be. Turning 40, I was in a beautiful, supportive marriage, had a great teaching career, a stable home, but that having kids thing had taken over being the big thing that wasn’t. But so many things were, and are. And now, trying to make peace with what is and letting go of what may not get to be, that’s hard. But it’s good work. You can do this. And I love that you are a passionate violinist!

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  2. lshandlefox April 17, 2017 / 2:43 pm

    Let me answer for everyone in the world. YES. We have all felt that way. I’ve always found that life is lost on what should have or could have or “what I mean’t to dos” or “where I should have been”. It’s a trap we all fall into occasionally. But I try to never let it stick around for long. I know so many people who have wasted decades blaming, being mad at, feeling guilty, wishing their past wasn’t their past. It all serves no purpose. It’s never easy to let all of that go, but Life starts today that other crap is just that- crap.

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  3. Mel April 18, 2017 / 12:33 am

    It gets better and worse and better again. Yes, everyone goes through stages where they look around and say, “This isn’t how I thought life would go.” But then you give those fur-babies a cuddle and ground yourself again.

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  4. differentshoresblog April 18, 2017 / 10:48 am

    You are doing absolutely the right thing by concentrating on what you ARE. It does get better, it goes from hideous panic at what you think you haven’t achieved to… a peaceful realization that you’re OK as you are; it just happens organically. Things then become practical issues and more concrete and manageable, rather than horrible existential worries (in my experience). I think you’re doing everything right.

    Like

  5. countingpinklines April 21, 2017 / 11:56 pm

    Wow, this describes my feelings exactly! At 31, I’m nowhere near where I thought I’d be but like you, trying to find my way.

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  6. Dubliner in Deutschland April 26, 2017 / 1:02 pm

    Oh yes absolutely. I think most of my friends also had imagined very different lives for themselves by now. Some are still single, some are married but renting and wish they could have a house, some are hoping for a career change, and some like me are praying for children who never come! It seems rare to have everything that you thought you would by now, but you know even though things are different, there is still joy to be had whatever path we end up on.

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    • RavenTheRambler April 27, 2017 / 10:23 am

      That’s the trickest part – learn to enjoy the path even when it’s nothing like what you thought you wanted!

      Like

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