Microblog Monday – Turning 4

For more on Microblog Monday – and how you can participate to – see Mel’s blog, here.

Just under 4 years ago, we brought home Chops – our first dog (now we have 3). As we were both dog people, we knew it would be a fun adventure…but I had no idea how fun. So many CD1’s I have spent curled up in bed, with Chops pressed into my back loving me when I was too sad to love myself.

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So even though you can’t read, Chops, nor do you care about my words unless they are bacon and cheese wrapped – let me tell you what I’ve learned from you:

  1. Know who your people are and love them with your whole heart, always. No matter what they have done or haven’t done recently (RIP evening walks). Love them anyway, especially when they are too tired or sad or broken to love themselves, and then love them enough for two people.
  2. Live like someone left the gate open. Approach everything with the energy of 100 toddlers…even if it’s trying to catch the turkeys (that you will NEVER catch since you can’t fly) that taunt you in the field by the house – burst through that door and into that field like a cannon, any way, even if they were already in the air before you finished taking off. Or when your Mom is throwing out a band-aid that you think may or may not be a delicious piece of bacon since they ate bacon sometime last month – lunge for it, and eat it like the champ you are (barf).
  3. Take chances on things that seem out of your reach (See flying turkey reference above)…and try, even if you’re likely to fail.
  4. Food = life. Eat it, enjoy it, and be thankful for it because there is always someone who would give anything for what you have (including a drooling, shameless dog pressed to your thigh watching every…move…you…make….).
  5. Nap and stretch, often. Rest, relax, refill your cup. You can’t be awesome 100% of the time – enjoy your down time, so you have the energy to lunge for the illusive turkey when it comes around.
  6. Don’t apologize for who you are. You are unique and special, and the world needs you. Even if you’re a jerk who steals your mom’s spot in bed EVERY TIME SHE GETS UP TO PEE because you like the warmth and – girl needs a pillow – and then play dead when she tries to move you. Even then, be yourself.
  7. Know your value. Be brave enough to stand up for your worth, and don’t let anyone tell you any different. If you know you’re as valuable as a person who gets to sit in the comfy chairs, eat the delicious food from the table and sit in laps the same size as your own – then do it, and when they yell at you and tell you no, do it again (once their backs are turned, of course) and when they catch you, play dead.

Happy Birthday Chopsie – thanks for being awesome, exhausting, and rotten sometimes…everyone promised me you would grow out of the terrible two phase, and here we are at four! But I wouldn’t change you for anything, life wouldn’t be the same without you!

*Please note, Chops is not her real name. She also goes by Chopsie, Choppers, Brown Beard, Black Dog, Bertha, Meatloaf, Barkley, Lady Barkington the Third, Maisers, Crazy Maisy and sometimes even plain ole Maisy. 🙂

I know, I don’t know, but I know

A woman I work with, who is a work-friend and a lovely person, is pregnant with her first child – due late June. I was so happy for her – she is the kind of person who sponsors refugee families and spends her well earned funds on supporting a plethora of local and international charities. She is a really good person…so when I found out there would be a little CG, I was super excited for her.

This past week she called to let me know that her baby had been born still, at 37 weeks. There is no reason, no diagnosis yet, and nothing immediately evident that could have caused the still birth. Not that it would make it easier, I just hoped a diagnosis or a reason would enable her to know how to move forward.

My heart is broken for her. I wish there were words, but there just aren’t.

I so badly want to reach out to her and say I know. I know how it feels to ache for a child you will never meet. I know the pain, the heaviness in your heart while your body feels so empty. I know it all, and you don’t have to be alone while you wade through this horrible wasteland of grief.

But I don’t really know. I’ve never had a still birth, or even a miscarriage. I’ve never had a pregnancy…despite trying everything. But I do know grief. For me, it comes from the silence echoing with the memory of my so wanted babies, my 50+ failed cycles and my disappointment that swallows me whole. For her, it’s the little baby she knew, she cradled, she loved and she grew … and one she had no reason to think she wouldn’t bring home.

I know it’s not the same. Losing a child you carried, loved, wanted and prepared for – completely unexpectedly – that’s a pain I cannot imagine. All of the babies I’ve lost existed only in my mind, and my hopeful heart – but I do know what it feels like to miss something with every ounce of your soul, every pore in your body, every breath you take and to be so, utterly, disappointed.

I just wish I knew how to say that to her in a way that wouldn’t be offensive or hurtful. Instead, I just offered her a warm hug and a promise to come running if she needed anything at all.

Is that enough? I don’t even know.

WTF – Possibly the most negative post I’ve ever written, please forgive me for my nastiness but, for real, WTF

I work SUPER hard not to be jealous or bitter about our inability to conceive while being surrounded by super fertile family and friends who are constantly having surprise pregnancies. I do…because I DON’T want to bitter or nasty, but sometimes….sometimes, I just have to let it out. Please be gentle with me, I know this post is not my usual style but I just have to get it off my chest.


There is this girl I have known all my life (MM). Her family has been friends of my parents since forever, and for as long as I can remember, she has been a deplorable human being.

She has zero concern for anyone but herself, and is totally OK with ruining someone else’s life for her own satisfaction, based on completely false claims. She lies…oh she lies. She lies about people abusing her, she lies about pregnancies and miscarriages (to date, has claimed 15 in two years, all within 3 weeks of each other…and includes 14-16 week ultrasound photos, with the names blurred out, claiming she is “3 weeks pregnant today!”), she lies about experiences and services received at local businesses – and then she spreads her lies in hopes of hurting the business. She spews hate and racism like it’s her job. She cheats on her husband shamelessly, without any concern for who knows. She treats her parents – who have given her everything – like garbage. She refuses to work, and instead lives off the government and is constantly complaining that she is not getting as much money or benefits as she deserves because she is 1/265th Aboriginal, and therefore entitled to the same benefits (? Ya, ok? Blond haired, blue eyed white girl). She has received multiple interventions over her life time to try to help her, but she simply does not agree that she has any kind of problem. The worst part is? She posts this stuff all over face.book for everyone to see and doesn’t see anything wrong with that. (For perspective, she joined a group for Support for Teen Mothers on F.B….and then posted hateful, nasty comments wishing them all miscarriages and/or stillbirths. Her excuse was that she has struggled with infertility (her fake pregnancies and fake miscarriages) so she is allowed to be bitter. They deleted and blocked her, but not before she accused them all of being whores and incapable of adequate parenting – asking them all to “throw themselves down a set of stairs before they ruin another kids life”.

This is all 100%, actual truth that I could show you from her Fa.ce.book wall. Horrific, right? Probably the worst person I’ve ever known. The logical person in me says she is obviously hurting, and miserable, but the other part of me says – who isn’t? That doesn’t give you the excuse to be so SO HORRIBLE.

So imagine my surprise (not) when she posted another pregnancy announcement. I expected the customary 3 week miscarriage announcement, followed by the collection of sympathy and gifts…but it didn’t come. Then, there was an ultrasound photo WITH HER NAME ON IT, captioned “infertility survivor” (Please tell me this makes you boil too?)! That was when the lead ball dropped into my stomach.

Then – yesterday – I ran into her Mom and she confirmed (she appeared majorly stressed about it) that MM is, in fact, pregnant. 16 weeks, to be exact.

What. The. Fuck.

How does someone so cruel, so unpleasant, so malicious get blessed with a baby?? How?? How is that fair for that poor child who will, undoubtedly, suffer? There is nothing in the world that will change MM, she has been this unpleasant since she was born – so HOW CAN THIS BE FAIR? To the child, to the world, and to people who are *actually* infertile, and also decent human beings who want nothing more than a little human to love??

Whatthefuck. Whatthefuck. Whatthefuck. Whatthefuck. Whatthefuck. Whatthefuck. Whatthefuck.

That’s all I have to say. Now I will return to being a kind, nice, genuine human being because there are NOT enough of us in the world, and I will get back in the line of similar people waiting for OUR miracle babies…(even though, for some reason I will never understand, they are given to people like MM).

 

People-y-ness

I am an introvert. I was born an introvert, and I will die an introvert.

For a long time I was ashamed of that. I was taught that being closed up / quiet and liking your own company was a weakness and a sign of being abnormal. It was something to overcome…so I tried, and I tried, and I tried to conquer it – at the very grave cost of my mental health – but I never succeeded. Finally (thankfully) I reached a point in my adulthood where I realized there is nothing wrong with being an introvert. Like extroverts, it is just a type of personality.

I like my own company. I find socializing draining and exhausting. Nothing rejuvenates me more than a quiet afternoon alone, doing my thing. All good things, right? Self acceptance for the win!

But then…I married an extrovert….

Now our social life is a constant balance between my needs and his. He fills his cup by being out around people, I fill my cup by being alone (or with him). He can spend DAYS visiting with family or friends, while I can barely tolerate 3-4 hours. He loves to invite people to things, I like to do things just the two of us. He gets bored if a week goes by without a socialization event – I would be OK with just one a month. His idea of a vacation is spending it at a crowded resort in Mexico laying on the beach. My idea of a vacation is a hostel in Scotland, touring the castles and eating local pub fair.

We are SO different. I often wonder how we could possibly be happy together…but we yet we are. His people-y-ness encourages me to be a bit more peoply, while my non-peopley-ness encourages him to be a little more content with his own company…I see it as a win both ways.

I can’t wait to see what we end up with for children…will they be extroverts, introverts or something in between?

I think Mr. Big and I are proof that opposites do attract – we complement each other while still being individuals. But I also know couples who are very similar and perfectly matched together – I think it really depends on the person and the dynamics of the marriage.

What about you? Are you introverted or extroverted? What about your spouse?