#ThoughtfulThursday – POAS PTSD

Does any one else have an anxiety filled, PTSD like reaction to the mere idea of POAS?

I do – and it’s become such a big thing that I cannot use one. It literally makes me sick.

We have been TTC for 6.5 years. In those 6.5 years, I have peed on thousands of tests (HPT and OPK). Not one *NOT ONE* has ever been positive…this is closest we’ve ever been to a positive of any kind.

I’m currently a ball of anxiety because I’m at that point in my cycle (CD39) where I should take a test…. but I just can’t bring myself to do it. The devastation (and it is devastation) is too hard for my heart right now and I just don’t think I can handle it. I can’t deal with the downslide that comes from the inevitable negative test … the self loathing, the sadness, the anger, the frustration. And then , when it is negative, I just convince myself that I didn’t take it at the right time, or I ovulated later than I thought and therefore may be too early to a positive HPT…and so I keep taking tests over and over, until I finally get my period and then slide into the abyss for 5-7 days.

It’s a violent, penetrative cycle…and it’s easily my most hated part of infertility. I have an appointment for blood work on July 14th…by then I should know for sure…but I don’t know if I can make it.

What do you do – HPT or wait for blood work? Does anyone else share in this fear?


Microblog Mondays – Empty Parking Lots

See more about Microblog Mondays at Stirrup Queens!

First of all…Happy Father’s Day to all the men in the world who love and nurture little people – whether they share a biological connection or not. There are not enough of you.

I made the mistake of going shopping with my father this weekend. Which is painful, at best, and plain hellish torture at worst. But, you know, it WAS father’s day so I spent the day with him while he meandered around 5 million 5 different stores looking for the same big item (new riding lawn mower) and comparing them to see which one had the best deal (and then, oh it gets better, we got to go BACK to the stores we’d already been to because he could not remember if they had *insert minor detail that he may or may not ever use* and then how could he determine which was the better deal??). So, while I love my Dad dearly – I typically avoid shopping with him for big ticket items at all possible cost. He can shop for normal stuff like a normal person, but when it comes to big items  – well, let’s just say, I used to have two sisters who died from boredom and exertion after being carted around all day looking for a new washing machine (Just kidding, they’re alive and well and managed to avoid this shopping trip because they were at home with their husbands and children celebrating Father’s Day (side note: infertility in a fertile family sucks balls)).

Having said all of this, I would like to note that I noticed two things on my excursion: #1. Despite the pain of this shopping trip, my Dad is hilarious and I couldn’t be more blessed to have him in my life (love you Dad!!). And he knows all the best chip trucks!

#2. There are two types of people in the world when faced with an empty parking lot – Type A drives directly across the empty parking spots to the exit since the lot is empty and Type B who drives AROUND the empty parking spots, as per the lines and signage, to the exit even though the lot is empty. I am Type A, my Dad (as you may have already guessed) is type B.

So let’s just say it was a long day. And in case you’re wondering, after all that, he decided not to buy the mower because the sales guy hinted there was a deal coming next weekend. *facepalm*

What did you do this weekend? Would you be Type A or Type B?

MicroblogMondays – Books unfinished

Have you ever read a book that, once completed, left you with more questions than answers?

I’ve recently read a couple in a row that are like that. The author introduces a character, or an experience, or a memory that begs for more – and then seemingly forgets about it and never addresses it again. The whole time I’m keeping it in the back of my mind, wondering when the writer is going to tie it back into the story – but then the book ends, without a single mention of it again and no plans for a sequel (in case you’re thinking they’re laying the ground work for more). I have no idea if this is intentional or accidental – but it drives me bananas. When I read a book, I like a nice clean ending unless there is a sequel coming.

What about you? Do you like to be left wondering?

* For more on Microblog Mondays-  see Stirrup Queens.


Fertility Update

It’s been quite a while since I gave a little fertility update…so it’s overdue.

Here is a little background:

  • Started TTC 6 years ago, with zero success
  • After 1 year, diagnosed with “probably PCOS” – no blood markers, no insulin resistant, no visible cysts on the ovaries but a family history and horrendous periods and sent to the top PCOS specialist in the country
  • Determined to be annovulatory and tried 3 cycles Clomid, break, 3 cycles Femara, break. No BFP – just a myriad of awful side effects and an emergency surgery to remove a ballooned cyst that contorted and killed one ovary and fallopian tube. Post surgery – advised that IVF is the only option and referred to the regional fertility program.
  • Got almost to the actual retrieval, and panicked and cancelled it all. I was having horrific side effects from the meds, I was struggling emotionally and we were across the country from all of our family and support systems. Mr. Big agreed I needed a break, and in that time we packed up and moved back home to be closer to family.
  • Over the next year we worked on getting healthy, losing weight (60lbs, woot woot) and settling into our new house and new life – so glad we made this move! It was absolutely the right thing for us.
  • Around September of 2016 I started to get the itch again. We had been just “letting it happen” for almost two years without success…so I approached my family Doctor who was super supportive and we came up with a game plan. Since we have known fertility issues, we opted to try naturally for 6 months and then move on to an RE. Because so much has changed in my health, we will need to start again from scratch – but I’m OK with that. I had just turned 30 and felt like we have time to work from the bottom up…and I really hate any kind of fertility meds because I seem to get every side effect, so I wanted to avoid that if at all possible.
  • I had a bunch of blood work and tests, and they all came up great.
  • In March, we began our 6 months of TTC prior to RE referral. So far, no natural pregnancy…and despite that we’re not using any hormones, I am feeling like crap all around (as though I am using Clomid). Due to that, my Doctor orders some extra blood work which ends up showing I have Hypothyroidism (which is new, as I had my thyroid tested last year and it was all normal). So yay – Hypothyroidism (not). The good news is that it can sometimes cause a lot of the issues I’ve been struggling with, so getting this under control is good for my fertility. The bad news is it may make no difference at all… but that’s OK. It’s still worth a shot!

And otherwise, we are just waiting and seeing! 3 months of TTC down, 3 more to go before we get out the big guns.