#ThoughtfulThursday – POAS PTSD

Does any one else have an anxiety filled, PTSD like reaction to the mere idea of POAS?

I do – and it’s become such a big thing that I cannot use one. It literally makes me sick.

We have been TTC for 6.5 years. In those 6.5 years, I have peed on thousands of tests (HPT and OPK). Not one *NOT ONE* has ever been positive…this is closest we’ve ever been to a positive of any kind.

I’m currently a ball of anxiety because I’m at that point in my cycle (CD39) where I should take a test…. but I just can’t bring myself to do it. The devastation (and it is devastation) is too hard for my heart right now and I just don’t think I can handle it. I can’t deal with the downslide that comes from the inevitable negative test … the self loathing, the sadness, the anger, the frustration. And then , when it is negative, I just convince myself that I didn’t take it at the right time, or I ovulated later than I thought and therefore may be too early to a positive HPT…and so I keep taking tests over and over, until I finally get my period and then slide into the abyss for 5-7 days.

It’s a violent, penetrative cycle…and it’s easily my most hated part of infertility. I have an appointment for blood work on July 14th…by then I should know for sure…but I don’t know if I can make it.

What do you do – HPT or wait for blood work? Does anyone else share in this fear?

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4 thoughts on “#ThoughtfulThursday – POAS PTSD

  1. Yes, totally have ptsd about POAS. Too many negatives and hopefuls and even after they’re negative, I rationalize (‘no, it’s too early, ofc it won’t show up’)

    I actually never saw a positive stick (in spite of the ectopic). Mostly because at some point, I decided to stop. It wasn’t helping me and I was going crazy trying to over-interpret the lines. Well, and also, I took the OPKs and pregnancy tests out of their box so now I don’t know which is which 🙂

    It’s helped keep me a little more sane. Now, I only stress about the blood test results instead of the stick ones too. It’s cheaper as well so there’s that. More and more, I’m trying to move to only testing for things when the results are actionable (mostly unsuccessfully).

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  2. oh gosh, 6.5 years is so long. I’m really sorry. I do find pee sticks quite traumatic after all the TTCing. And I remember in the past having months where period was late and wondering should I test.. and then I would test and it would be negative and I’d be angry at myself for getting my hopes up. Do you have any other “symptoms” such as sore boobs?

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    • Well…not anything that couldn’t also be the onset of my period. I, too, beat myself up when it’s negative. I’m just going to wait it out, but it’s amazing how the aversion to POAS can be so strong for so many of us.

      I just can’t believe it’s been 6.5 years. I forget, truly…and then when I do the math and think, “I have been doing this for THAT long??”. It’s crazy. Perhaps its time to give in and just try IVF – although, I have been waiting and hoping I wouldn’t have to go there.

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      • IVF would certainly increase your odds. It’s definitely hard going through it, I’m not going to lie but it’s also manageable. For instance I used to dread and fear the injections but now I’m able to inject myself no problem! Physically unless you end up with OHSS, it’s not *too* bad. Emotionally a lot harder though. A total rollercoaster.

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