#Microblogmondays – Confessions

I had one of those weekends that digs deep beneath the facade of your life, and rips from it (sometimes painfully) the truth of who you really are. There’s this thing that I’ve been rolling around in my brain for a while now, at first it began as a this little niggling that has grown into something much more. I cart it around like a dirty secret, guarding it from everyone, terrified to share it…but I need to share it. So here it is…my deep, dark confession early on a Monday: I don’t know if I want kids anymore.

Do you know what Mr. Big said when I told him? Yes, I feel that way too.

Here we were, carting around this scary, debilitating secret – privately, but in tandem – and we didn’t even know the other was having the same scary thoughts.

We spent Sunday morning in bed, wrapped in each others arms, having one of those heart to hearts that define your relationship. In the end, we determined 3 very important things:

  1. We still love kids. We LOVE kids. If kids came easy to us, we’d have a hundred at least four by now.
  2. But they don’t come easy to us, and this path – the one we are currently down while we TTC – is not only something we actually don’t want, but it feels very wrong for us. We both dread it in the way you dread a colonscopy.
  3. We would rather be a kick ass Aunt and Uncle, happily married, dedicated volunteers of many causes, dog parents, musicians, and productive members of society than go through what we will need to go through to become parents.

So where does this leave us? I don’t actually know. Mr. Big doesn’t know either. I guess that’s kind of how life works, isn’t it? All of us in this together, not really knowing. I can finally say I actually understand those bloggers who choose to pull the plug on conventional treatments, and just let whatever is going to happen, happen. I am there, now. Totally there. It doesn’t mean I don’t still hope for a miracle, that we will conceive, and everything will be ok. It doesn’t mean the idea of living out our life childless doesn’t fill me with sadness right now. It just means that we won’t, we cannot, commit to this life any more. Those of you who are deeper and further into it than me are amazing – and you deserve every thing you work and pray and hope for – because this shit is hard. Harder than anything I have ever been through – and for us, it is too hard to continue.

I’m not sure how, or what, we will tell our families. I feel the need to tell them something – perhaps just that we’ve decided to stop treatment and let life happen? I don’t know yet. I just know I can’t do this anymore, and neither can he.

For more on #microblogmonday, please see Mel’s blog Stirrup Queens

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25 thoughts on “#Microblogmondays – Confessions

  1. Rennata July 17, 2017 / 12:34 pm

    I am visiting from Microblogging Monday. Your thought in this is inspirational. I am sharing it with a friend who is struggling. Thank you.

    Like

    • RavenTheRambler July 17, 2017 / 4:37 pm

      Thank you so much for your kind words and I hope this helps your friend.

      Like

  2. Risa Kerslake July 17, 2017 / 3:26 pm

    So many emotions in one post. Infertility is hard. Stopping treatments is harder. In fact, prior to this last and final cycle that gave us our daughter, I was starting this process as well. Starting to think about my life without kids. It’s hard. SO very very hard, and I hope you both can find that comfort in each other. Sending you a hug.

    Like

  3. ramblesandstruggles July 17, 2017 / 3:27 pm

    I admire this post so much, I really do. I definitely get it and it takes so much strength to call a halt to the whole thing. I myself continue to live in Limbo whilst my husband is right where you are, he’s done with living the life of trying to be a parent.

    I will re-read this post many a time I think until i can hope to be where you are.

    Thinking of you and wish you all the best for whatever the future holds!

    Liked by 1 person

    • RavenTheRambler July 17, 2017 / 4:18 pm

      Thank you so much for this sweet comment. I am lucky in that my gut has been telling me to stop for a LONG time…and so I eventually just listened to my gut. We’re also on the brink of slipping from PCOS-induced infertility into unexplained (because my PCOS is currently symptomless, and I am ovulating, and SA is excellent, and we STILL cannot get pregnant) and this has helped to push me over to the “I’m done” side. I am very lucky in that my sisters allows us to present for all of the milestones in our three nephews lives – regularly – so we don’t really feel childless and that also helps me to be done with this.

      I’m sending you a big hug. This is all much harder than it has any right to be, and I hope you can find peace and comfort in any decision you make.

      Like

  4. Pam Lebedda July 17, 2017 / 9:02 pm

    During the hellish seven year wait for our daughter (adopted) we said this. We decided that we would stop the doctors and stuff. I’ve been where you are. Our adoption was our miracle and I am hoping for a miracle for you. That being said, there is no one true way. My uncle just passed and he had no kids, but his passing has left a hole in the life of his family.

    Like

    • RavenTheRambler July 17, 2017 / 11:02 pm

      Thank you for your words. I constantly remind myself that stopping treatments doesn’t mean we won’t ever be parents – if I’ve learned anything, it’s that life does not follow your plan and we’re open to anything I’m the future. I’m just ready to let go of this stressful, calculated way of living and really enjoy my life.

      Like

  5. Beth July 17, 2017 / 11:33 pm

    Such a powerful post. Thank you for sharing. It’s so hard to know when enough is enough, harder to admit it, and harder still to share it. Your bravery is inspiring.

    Like

  6. Mali July 18, 2017 / 1:23 am

    We all have our limits. Knowing them, listening to them, is the beginning of your new life. I’m sorry it came to this, but glad that you are both in the same place at the same time.

    Give yourself some time to figure out what to tell your families. I like your suggestion to keep it simple. I told our families by giving away some things we had (Christmas stockings actually), and simply saying, “it’s not going to happen.” http://nokiddinginnz.blogspot.co.nz/2012/09/christmas-stockings.html

    Wishing you the very best.

    Like

    • RavenTheRambler July 19, 2017 / 2:09 pm

      Thank you for your comment! You’re on of the people I follow, who brings me peace about this. Of course, I hope for a miracle pregnancy – but seeing you, and others like you, enables me to see there *is* a life to be had if it doesn’t happen for us and we don’t need to be chained to TTC against our wishes to have a good life. We have a visit the end of August with Mr. Big’s parents – and they ALWAYS ask…so I have some time to come up with how to word it. Thank you for stopping by!

      Like

  7. Cathy July 18, 2017 / 4:19 am

    ((((Hugs)))).

    I hope your families give you lots of hugs when they hear your news. Not hugs of sympathy but hugs full of love.

    Take care
    Cathy

    Like

  8. katherinea12 July 18, 2017 / 11:36 am

    Limits – and knowing where yours are – are so important. I started working through a similar process prior to my last fresh IVF and then when my water broke so early on, I knew deep down that I couldn’t keep going through treatment. While in the end it did work out in the most bizarre and statistically improbable way possible for us, I knew if we kept trying with IVF/treatments, we would break the beautiful relationship and good things in life we did/do have. I totally admire people who recognize and respect their limits – it is such a hard thing to do, especially in infertility.

    Sending thoughts and wishing you the best in whatever life holds ahead for you and your husband.

    Like

    • RavenTheRambler July 18, 2017 / 12:44 pm

      Thank you so much. It is SO hard. I feel like I’m letting people down – like I just didn’t want parenthood enough to go through IVF. Like I say in the post – I don’t know where we go from here, I just know I can’t keep on this way any longer. Thank you for your kind words!

      Like

  9. countingpinklines July 18, 2017 / 7:34 pm

    Thanks for sharing. Honestly, I think you both know what you want and whether your trade-offs are worth it and it’s great that you’re open about it.
    And you’re lucky that you’re able to be so much a part of your family’s and community’s lives!

    Like

    • RavenTheRambler July 19, 2017 / 2:07 pm

      Thank you! It’s so hard to listen to your gut, when everything else (society, family, etc) is telling us to try harder – that we’re not trying hard enough, we don’t want it enough, etc. I will still feel guilty, I know, but at least we can catch our breath now. I count my blessings every day for having sisters who allow us to be so active in their boys lives! While they’re not my sons, I certainly am closer to a parent than an aunt many days. Thanks for commenting.

      Like

  10. Mel July 19, 2017 / 12:49 pm

    First, a hug. But this post is why it’s so important to have those conversations, to take those thoughts out of your head. To discover you’re both on the same page and that while it’s not an easy page to be on, you are working together.

    Like

    • RavenTheRambler July 19, 2017 / 2:05 pm

      Thank you!! It’s so true – neither of us really want to be here, but this is where the experiences in our life have led us and we’d rather be here, on this page, then where we were.

      Like

  11. Karen July 21, 2017 / 2:02 pm

    Here from Mel’s Roundup, I don’t know how I missed this on Monday!

    This so closely resembles a conversation my husband and I had 5 years ago, where we both admitted that as much as we wanted the family we dreamed about… we just couldn’t do the suck of treatments anymore. At some point, it just becomes too much.

    Hugs and love to you both as you navigate what’s next. xoxo

    Like

    • RavenTheRambler July 21, 2017 / 2:26 pm

      Thank you so much! It is an AWFUL decision to make…but at the same time, we both feel so relieved. It’s so hard to pick between something you want more than anything else (parenthood) and something every ounce of your being is screaming to stop (treatments). Thank you for sharing your experience and love!

      Like

  12. Jess July 21, 2017 / 2:40 pm

    This is such a beautiful, important post. Is it okay to say Congratulations? Our situations are different (as everyone’s are), but a few people said “Congratulations” to me when I told them we weren’t going to keep trying to become parents and it really resonated. Because it is a HARD decision, and living that way is so exhausting and awful, and to go with your gut, to go with your heart, to go with what you know is right for you and your marriage…that is a beautiful thing. And a scary thing, but so vital to surviving and thriving in life. It’s not always understood from the outside, but that doesn’t truly matter, it’s your happiness and peace of mind and ability to live life on your own terms that matters most. I’m glad you were both on the same page, and you have a vision for what things might look like now. Good luck with telling your family, I love Mali’s idea and keeping it simple. So much love to you, you are amazing!

    Like

    • RavenTheRambler July 21, 2017 / 4:05 pm

      Thank you so much for this beautiful comment! You have no idea how badly I needed to hear someone suggest “Congratulations” – I have been so consumed with what we won’t have/what our life won’t look like – that I have (once again) forgotten to count my blessings for what I DO have, and what it DOES look like. If anything, this experience speaks volumes to the beautiful marriage I have that is both open and accepting, where we can make really hard decisions together, in a supportive way – even ones that are so big, they will change everything. That is definitely worth celebrating or at least acknowledging. (I’ve been tossing around the idea of taking a “no-baby moon” partly as a reward for everything we’ve been through, and partly as a chance to reconnect as a couple not TTC. So much of our life has been about TTC for years…). Thank you so much for stopping by and sharing. Your comment is one of the many reasons I LOVE this community. Hugs to you!

      Like

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