Ah, another family centered holiday. This Easter, I am trying to focus on the true reason for the season – and the Hope it promises. I am not doing very well at it.
I have had so many great plans for my life, waylaid by my plans to have a family – and now none of those things have come true and I feel completely lost. I am trying to focus on saying good bye to things I am not, and focusing on the things that I am. If any of those things from the “not” side are able to come over to the “am” side, then I’ll be happy as a peach – but right now, they’re not on the am side and I need to make peace with that.
I’m not the perfect homemaker, with a PhD, who has stayed in touch with every friend from every stage, is a published author and a practicing musician and who is confident and secure in a small town, mothering the hell out of her darling offspring.
Instead… I am a dedicated and hard worker, a fiercely passionate violinist, a loving and loyal Wife and Aunt, a friend to many from all walks and stages of life…a woman who is strong and independent and is a
slightly over the top superb fur-mama.
It’s not at all who I thought I would be at 30. Not at all who I wanted to be…but here I am, imperfect and lost…just trying to find my way.
Tell me you’ve all felt this way, too?? And that it gets better?
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Three weeks ago when Mr. Big and I arrived home from a party at around midnight, we got out of the car to the sound of 5 -6 coyotes howling at the big, beautiful full moon. It was the eeriest and most beautiful experience – but I have to admit, it sent chills up my spine. (side note…why DO they howl at the full moon??). I have occasionally heard one howling nearby, but never a whole pack. It was crazy.
Then on Saturday my Vet called us (and all of their rural clients) to advise us there has been a spike in coyote attacks on dogs, and to be cautious letting your dogs out at night.
Naturally, I awoke at 4:35 AM this morning after a horrible nightmare in which Beans (our small dog) was snatched by a coyote, taken into the woods and eaten. I tried to wake Mr. Big to tell him we need to move, but he was less than appreciative. I then spent the next 20 minutes on the desk in my jammies and a parka, armed with a snow shovel, while the dogs took their sweet time peeing.
As you can imagine, there was no going back to sleep after that.
Send coffee…and perhaps a guard Donkey.
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I can remember when I found Valentine’s Day hard because I was single (and 21…pppffttt I was sooo young). At that time, I had no idea how many more holidays I had in store for me that would be hard because I was missing something. I was focused on Valentines and how much it sucked to not have someone to love.
But then I found him. A big, soft, loving, kind, generous and gentle man of my very own to love and be loved by for ever and ever. Then I married him and I mostly fall more in love with him every day
(except when he leaves his underwear on the floor for the babillionth time). Just like that, Valentine’s Day was good again! I had my Valentine, and so February 14th could come and go without causing me any pain. Valentine’s Day was redeemed!
I try to remember this when I am aching over Christmas, or Mother’s/Father’s Day, or Family Day. I hope, and pray, that they too will be redeemed, just like Valentine’s, and that eventually I will find my home filled with giggles and little feet to share in the magic of holidays with!
Happy Valentines day to you! What could be more beautiful than a holiday all about love? Do you like this day? How do you/do you celebrate?
12 weeks ago, I decided to apply (on a whim, really) to my local University for my Masters. It’s a pipe dream of mine that I had just started when I met Mr. Big, but deferred for marriage and children … lol….little did I know the latter part wouldn’t be so easy. When I applied a couple weeks ago I figured, if I didn’t get in,then that would be God’s way of saying “let go of this dream” and I was OK with that. If I did get in – well I hadn’t really considered how that would affect our goal to be parents. As time went on and I didn’t receive an offer, I began to accept that I needed to let this dream go.
And then, I got in. Much to my complete surprise and utter excitement. I actually got in. I got the email just a couple days ago (email?? When I went the first time, I had to painstakingly await the mailed package…compulsively checking the mail every single day). So, in the very same month I turn the big 3-0, I will also be starting my journey in the graduate school world. How exciting!
We will still have children. But when – I’m not sure anymore (ha, like I ever had control over that). People who went back to school later in life – is it possible to go through school with a newborn/small children? Or is it best to bite the bullet and just wait it out?
This is definitely a game changer.
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I had a really interesting chat with a coworker last week on what’s considered cheating.
To me – flirting, suggesting, looking for an affair and reciprocal kissing are all very close to cheating – and need to be discussed with your spouse because clearly there are problems in your marriage that need working out (as long as you both wish to remain married).
To her – all of the above is OK and normal part of life. It’s what makes being an adult fun. She believes her husband does not know, or need to know.
Completely, 100% shocked me. She is a good friend and this is NOT what I expected from her.
When I married Mr. Big I committed myself to him and our marriage. 100%. In good times and bad. That includes not flirting, suggesting, kissing or looking for opportunities to have an affair because – I am committed to him. We don’t always get along (actually, lately we seem to be on opposite ends of the same ladder and can’t find our way together) but that’s OK because that’s part of life. We’re a team, and part of that commitment is finding each other when we drift apart – over and over and over again.
Having said that – I also acknowledge that there are many different types of marriages out there and not everyone subscribes to the same lifestyle I do – and that’s OK with me, as long as it is a marital decision made together. When it’s one person doing them secretly and hiding them from their spouse…I don’t know…sounds an awful lot like cheating, doesn’t it?
What are your thoughts? I know I’m not alone in my thinking, but I also know she is not alone in hers. It’s really got me thinking and I’m curious to know what you all think too.
P.S: Don’t worry I am not going to interfere with their marriage – they’ve been together 28 years, have grown children and have fought the entire way…they can sort this out themselves. I am just curious what your thoughts are.
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I’m a helper…I like to help people. It helps them, and it makes me feel good, so it’s a double win. However, I also have a problem saying no and often agree to things that I quickly regret. People learn that I like to help and will do most things, and then request or expect it of me – coupled with my inability to say no – which leads to a very busy Raven. Frequently (as in, four out of seven days a week) I take care of my nephews after work/on the weekend. On top of that, I have swim lessons that I take them to on Fridays, painting class/book club on Tuesdays, the gym on Mon, Wed and Fri and three dogs to walk, feed, love and provide for.
It makes for a very busy life, but I like to be busy. Nothing makes me more content then getting shit done – even if I’m sick, I keep on trudging. It makes me feel useful, and I need to feel useful.
And then I got pneumonia. In both lungs. With a topping of bronchitis. For eight straight days I couldn’t leave the house. I laid in bed/on the couch trying to remember to track my medications (two steroid inhalers, one steroid pill, one antibiotic and one over the counter cold medicine) because they had to be administered at just the right times, in the right order and binge watching Roseanne, then Friends, then Fuller House all the while trying not to cough to death. Even when I started to feel better, I couldn’t walk to the bathroom without having a coughing fit that would result in vomiting. I was officially house bound….and to be honest, it rocked. Well…the coughing/gagging/vomiting thing didn’t rock but the do my own shit thing was awesome. I also had plenty of time to reflect and think about life. It made me realize one immense thing:
- I don’t actually enjoy being so busy…but I need to be busy for my own peace of mind. And I need to be busy because it makes me feel useful…and I need to feel useful because I usually feel like a useless, infertile, non-mothering woman. And that is very sad.
Thanks, Universe, for the sign. I need to slow down, I see that now and I will slow down. I will also stop filling the void in my heart with busyness that just exhausts me, and start practicing self care. Most importantly, I will begin to explore all the things that I am good at. I may not be good at making babies, but I am most definitely not useless.
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I don’t know where I’ve been but I JUST learned that there is new Harry Potter coming out!
Saying I’m excited would be an understatement, although I am also a bit hesitant as it go one of two ways: either it will bomb or it will be incredible. Let’s hope for the latter!
In the spirit of a true fan, I am currently re-reading the entire series – which, I must say, is no less amazing than it was 15 years ago when I read it for the first time.
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