#ThoughtfulThursday – POAS PTSD

Does any one else have an anxiety filled, PTSD like reaction to the mere idea of POAS?

I do – and it’s become such a big thing that I cannot use one. It literally makes me sick.

We have been TTC for 6.5 years. In those 6.5 years, I have peed on thousands of tests (HPT and OPK). Not one *NOT ONE* has ever been positive…this is closest we’ve ever been to a positive of any kind.

I’m currently a ball of anxiety because I’m at that point in my cycle (CD39) where I should take a test…. but I just can’t bring myself to do it. The devastation (and it is devastation) is too hard for my heart right now and I just don’t think I can handle it. I can’t deal with the downslide that comes from the inevitable negative test … the self loathing, the sadness, the anger, the frustration. And then , when it is negative, I just convince myself that I didn’t take it at the right time, or I ovulated later than I thought and therefore may be too early to a positive HPT…and so I keep taking tests over and over, until I finally get my period and then slide into the abyss for 5-7 days.

It’s a violent, penetrative cycle…and it’s easily my most hated part of infertility. I have an appointment for blood work on July 14th…by then I should know for sure…but I don’t know if I can make it.

What do you do – HPT or wait for blood work? Does anyone else share in this fear?

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#Thursdaythoughts – Abandoned Blogs

I have been blogging since 2009. When I switched from blogger to WordPress, I lost everything. (Mel’s weekly reminders about backups started AFTER that). So when Raven Rambling was born, I had to find the blogs I used to follow by goo.gling them…which, in case you haven’t tried, is more difficult than it seems since so many have different variations of the same name (and sometimes not at all related to their URL). I only recovered a few…and the rest I still wonder about.

One in particular that I’ve been thinking about, but can’t seem to find, was a girl who had a mid to late term issue come up with her pregnancy where they thought the baby had a terminal form of dwarfism, thankfully it wasn’t the terminal form – and they named him Jack (he’d be three ish now). Anyone remember?

Anyway, yesterday I was stuck at the Doctors office for one hundred hours three hours, so I decided to dig through Mel’s blogroll (since Mel is the gateway to this community!) to see if I could find a few that have been on my mind. I was surprised to find I recognized so many of the blog names, so I opened them up to see where they were at in life…

You guys…..

SO MANY have been abandoned. So many. And not just abandoned, but abandoned after a pregnancy or birth announcement. I can’t help but wonder…what does that mean?? Does it mean every thing went well and they’re too busy baby raising to blog? Or does it mean every thing went sideways and they’re grieving (like we all know happens far too often, sadly)? I see this in some of the blogs I managed to bring over to wordpress, too – they just stop writing.

There is no way to ever know what happened in their lives… but I am hoping they all had happy endings. You get to know their grief and struggles so intimately when you follow a blog for any length of time, it’s emotional to have their blog cut off suddenly like that. While I get it, I would love to just see an update here or there on how they are.

And remind me never to abandon my blog without a goodbye post – because we all need closure of some kind. Ok? Ok.

 

 

 

#Thursday Thoughts – Notebooks!

Is anyone else a notebook junkie?

Nothing tickles my fancy like going to chapters, perusing the notebook section and smelling their delicious, freshly cut pages and binding (TMI?).

I also love to write with markers in my notebooks because blue pen is just too blah for me (plus, all of my writing is filled with colourful doodles). So imagine my excitement when I discovered ERASABLE markers?!?!?! AND they actually work! Woot woot!

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Are you a notebook junkie? Do you have a preference in writing tools?