Two pink lines – Finally!!

In our 6 years of trying to have a baby – I have never, ever, not even once had two pink lines on anything I’ve ever peed on – OPK, PG Test…nothing. Because of that, I have massive anxiety about any POAs of any kind – and literally spend a day psyching myself up for it  and then another day berating myself for being so silly to think I would ever get a positive. It’s a vicious cycle. I typically ovulate approximately twice a year – if that – so for the last year I have been on a tight regime of good choices, healthy foods and regular exercise (plus one million vitamins…ok, maybe not one million but a lot) to try and rectify that naturally. I have refrained from taking any form of OPK during this time, but I have taken a few PG tests which have, of course, all been negative.

So now I am back at TTC – with improved health and completely normal blood work (woot, woot). I have started charting – BBT, CM and (of course) OPKs. The only OPKs I’ve ever used before were digital, because I wanted it to be easy and clear, but this time I went for economical and ordered the lifetime supply huge box off Amaz.on of tests. The catch with these is that they are not digital – but I figured I could handle that. I started taking them 3 days ago on CD10 (because I’m not really sure when I ovulate)…and imagine my surprise and excitement when on my very first test I got this:

Image result for negative OPK

Hallelujah! Finally -for the first time in my entire life – a POSITIVE! I jumped up and down, I danced, I sang, I proclaimed myself cured of infertility because – obviously – I got a positive on an OPK, and I may or may not have kissed the test. I almost cried I was so happy to *finally* see a positive on something I peed on. It has been such a long, disheartening road and this felt like sweet, sweet redemption. All my hard work had paid off, I was ovulating! I could suddenly see my future as mother – it was so close I could taste it.

Ahhh, it was a glorious 3 minutes of celebration where I felt like a real woman, who’s body was doing womanly things like it should be…

And then, as I put it all away with an ear to ear smile on my face, I noticed this on the box:

Image result for negative OPK

Wait a minute…TWO LINES can be a negative OR a positive? What kind of test is this?!? Who made it – Hitler?? I whipped out the test again and felt my confidence, dreams, and pride shatter as I realized the test line was – OF COURSE – lighter than the control line. Meaning my “sweet redemption positive” was, actually, a big fat negative. Story.of.my.life.

Womp. Womp.

I don’t think I have ever gone so fast from cloud 9, to an inch below dirt floor. I cried for a while, and Mr. Big tried to console me but let’s be honest – there is no consoling an infertile woman who (for one quick second) thought she may not be…but then had it dashed away so easily. Like the test was saying to me: “Of course you’re infertile you fool – it’s like you forget who you are…just a big, infertile mess who will never see anything but big fat negatives.”

While I get that the two lines are because LH is usually there, and a dark line means a surge – I still think it’s unfair to have two lines on ANYTHING but a positive pregnancy test. Don’t we have enough stress? Must we add in just one more thing?

I am not sure what happened after, but I believe we need to buy new Halloween Candy.

#MicroblogMonday – Belated Mother’s Day Post

Mother’s Day has always been OK for me. As my huge family gets together and celebrates all the women who are mothers, I have slowly become the last one who isn’t. While it’s painful, it’s also important because it reminds my super fertile family that infertility exists. I get to help in the kitchen, distract myself, and feel like I’m contributing. It’s actually OK. I do get a lot of side glances, and “when it’s meant to be it will be” comments, which makes it a bit awkward, but I can handle it. I know when I do finally get to be a mother, it will be all the more wonderful.

This year, someone made the decision to promote my pups (they are my babies) to the level of children, and group me in with all the other mothers in the celebration. Surely intended to make me feel included and celebrated.

But it didn’t. For the first time this year, no one mentioned my infertility. No one even acknowledged it. Instead, I sat with the other Mothers and listened to stories about childbirth and nursing and toddlers and potty training and Christmas mornings and packing for dance competitions – experiences I will never have with my furbabies. The longer I listened, the more I felt myself falling further and further into the abyss.

When I got home, I climbed into my bed and stayed there until I had no option but to get up. This Mother’s Day, which had been intended to make me feel included, made me feel more alone than any other Mother’s Day before it. So alone, that it has taken me a week just to find the courage to write about it.

I am not ready for my story to be over, but sitting there listening to them all pretend I was a mother too made me realize that they are. 7 years into my infertility journey, and they’ve all given up on me. No one asks me where we are anymore. No one brings it up…for too many years I’ve been saying “Not yet, but we’re still hopeful”. While I know it wasn’t intended that way, it just feels like the end. And I am NOT ok with it.

For more on #Microblog Mondays – click here.

 

Fertility Deets

Lately I’ve been doing A LOT of thinking on this fertility (or, rather, infertility) business. I’m fast approaching 30 – and I am ready for this baby to happen. Not that I wasn’t ready the last 5 years of trying or not trying, not preventing – but this time I’m pulling out the big guns.

The Details:

We have been on a break for the last 6 months. I have been working to lose the weight I gained while TTC last time pumping myself full of synthetic hormones. We’ve been busy, and hoping it will “happen naturally” the old fashioned way. But it hasn’t. So I’ve decided to start fresh from the beginning with all the bells and whistles. My previous experience involved a very early PCOS diagnosis after a miscarriage (surprise pregnancy that showed me I really want a baby), followed by medicated cycles. I didn’t get a chance to try naturally, and to be honest – I was completely naive and just did what my doctor said without doing any research or asking any questions. However I am now much wiser and have done much research – and this time I am going to be in charge of our TTC journey.

  1. OPKS – I have just ordered 100 OPKs. I have never used them before because my Dr at the time told me (without doing any tests) that I mustn’t ovulate because I have PCOS (diagnosed visually based on the fact that I had a simple cyst at the time, and where I carry extra weight). I have since learned that I have none of the blood markers for PCOS (hormones are in check and not insulin resistant) and that I DO ovulate…I am not sure if I do every cycle or not but I do ovulate. My current doctor is hesitant to called me a PCOSer – but definitely an occasional (if not more) annovulater.
  2. BBT – I have just ordered my first BBT. I have never charted with BBT before, so this will be a learning experience, but I really want to try it.
  3. Dietary Changes: Both Mr. Big and I struggle with our weight. We’ve made some huge strides in the last few months, and now I’m ready to pare down our diet further to include foods identified as fertility helpers. One of the biggest things is cutting out refined sugar completely (I love a cold soda on a hot day…but no more!). I’ve also read that animal protein – especially non-organic – can really affect your hormonal system. Since we suspect I have a problem with ovulating, we’re trying non-animal protein (or vegan) breakfasts and lunches for the next little while. Natural, non-processed vegetable or grain proteins…and we’ll see if it helps.
  4. I am going to continue my 3 days/week gym regimen (that I will hopefully be able to maintain through a pregnancy with some modification). Mr. Big gets workouts everyday (he’s a firefighter) so he will just keep on keeping on.
  5. I am switching my regular vitamins to prenatals.

So that’s it in a nutshell! We are already careful with the chemicals we use, so I am not concerned about that (I mostly use vinegar). We don’t have a cat – so no worries about litter boxes and I don’t smoke or drink – so I think we’re in a pretty good place to conceive our rainbow baby!! (Come on, Universe!). Am I missing anything?